Parashat Vayishlach // 5784

Educational pearls from the parashah

Every person, whoever he may be, must aspire, desire, and pray for wisdom in life — a wisdom through which he can reach a life filled with meaning: to know how to look at certain things taking place around him, how to behave in situations that come his way, and how to diagnose and distinguish them accurately.

All this is doubly true when speaking about such a critical and decisive matter: education. For whom should one say “Eishet Chayil”?

Let us begin with a story.

The Gaon Rabbi Mordechai Eliyahu zatzal related an incident that occurred when he sat in judgment:

Once, when I served as a dayan in Be’er Sheva, a couple came in after quarreling with one another and asked to be divorced immediately, without explaining the reason or grounds for the divorce. I asked for the reason, but they refused to explain the matter and insisted firmly on divorcing. I refused their request and said that I was not prepared to assist in a divorce without knowing its cause. They tried to insist, but when I remained firm, they were forced to explain the grounds. The woman claimed: “My husband is not willing to sing ‘Eishet Chayil’ to me on Friday night at the Shabbat table”...

I turned to the man and asked why. He answered: “If the Rav would see what is on the table on Friday night, he would understand everything.” I asked whether there were salads on the table. The husband answered: “One raw vegetable salad!” I asked again whether there were fish on the table. He replied: “Store-bought cold fish patties, bland and tasteless! She is not an eishet chayil, so why should I sing that to her? I cannot lie!” he concluded.

I immediately agreed to their request and announced that the get would be ready in two weeks.

The couple left the beit din happy and satisfied, and I called the court secretary and asked him to run outside and call the husband back to me, because I had something important to tell him. The husband returned with no small amount of concern. When he arrived, I asked him whether he knew for whom King Shlomo wrote “Eishet Chayil.” The husband thought that the hymn had been written for King Shlomo’s wife, but I corrected him and said: Know that according to several commentators, the hymn “Eishet Chayil” was written for Bat Sheva, King Shlomo’s mother. Therefore, if you suffer from your wife, all the more so you should say “Eishet Chayil” and have in mind your dear mother; concentrate well on praising her and her foods, especially when you see your wife’s meager handiwork compared with your mother’s handiwork! The husband agreed willingly and wholeheartedly. To praise mother? Certainly!

Thus, two weeks remained until the get. Before Shabbat, the wife decided that since only a short time remained until the divorce, it was a shame to waste money on her husband; instead of buying fish patties, whose price was relatively high, she bought smoked mackerel for half the price. When her husband came home from the synagogue on Friday night and smelled the terrible odor, he began to say “Eishet Chayil” with enthusiasm and joy — of course, all his intention in his heart was for his mother.

When his wife saw that her husband was saying “Eishet Chayil” with such enthusiasm and a pleasant tune, she was very surprised, and thoughts arose in her heart. “I did not know that my husband likes smoked mackerel,” she thought. “I did not know that if I make even a small effort to place before him foods he likes, he will be so happy and praise me so much”... After Shabbat, she hurried to her neighbors and learned from them how to cook and prepare tasty salads and dishes, so that on the last Shabbat still remaining before the get, she prepared not one raw salad but eighteen salads and many tasty, well-seasoned dishes.

When her husband noticed all her efforts and saw the set table, he hesitated before saying “Eishet Chayil,” because now his mother’s deeds paled in comparison with his wife’s handiwork... After a few seconds he again said “Eishet Chayil” with a tune, and immediately after Shabbat he came to speak with me. When I saw him, I thought: perhaps my suggestion did not help. I assumed he was already anxious to give the get, so I told him that it was now Motza’ei Shabbat and a get could not be arranged. But suddenly he said: “No, no, Rav, Baruch Hashem, we are fine. I only wanted to ask whether, when saying ‘Eishet Chayil,’ one may have in mind also one’s wife, or perhaps only one’s mother?”

I smiled and answered him: “Certainly! Have in mind mainly your wife, and if you wish you may add your mother as well.”

We have learned how far the Rav’s wisdom and resourcefulness saved a Jewish home.

In what must a dayan be expert?

If there is a disagreement between two people, we go to our holy Torah, which is the mirror, and we will know clearly with whom the truth lies.

A person can learn and know a great deal, but regardless of the breadth of his knowledge and expertise in various fields, he also needs wisdom. This fundamental principle applies doubly to educating children. One can know, and know a great deal, but one must not forget that we must apply sound judgment and life wisdom in a specific, precise way to the case before us. We already find proof of this in the words of our Sages.

By way of introduction:

Maran the Chafetz Chaim zatzal would often give a parable: If Reuven tells Shimon that his face is dirty, while Levi comes and claims that Shimon’s face is radiant and shining like the sun, the proper advice is for Shimon to look at himself in a mirror, and then he will know the truth. So too, if there is a disagreement between two people, we go to our holy Torah, which is the mirror, and we will know clearly with whom the truth lies.

The Gaon of Vilna zatzal taught in his commentary to Mishlei (6:4; 22:12) that a dayan must be expert in: 1. the nature and ways of the world, so that the judgment not be based on deception; 2. the law of Torah. If he is not expert in both, even if he rules truthfully, it will not be truth in its fullest sense, for perhaps the case is deceptive. This is the meaning of the statement of Chazal (Sanhedrin 7b) on the verse (Yirmiyahu 21:12): “בֵּית דָּוִד כֹּה אָמַר ה', דִּינוּ לַבֹּקֶר מִשְׁפָּט וְהַצִּילוּ גָּזוּל מִיַד עוֹשֵׁק” — “House of David, thus said Hashem: Judge justice in the morning, and rescue the robbed from the hand of the oppressor.” Do they judge in the morning, and not all day? Rather: if the matter is as clear to you as morning, say it; if not, do not say it. Some expounded this from the verse (Mishlei 7:4): “אֱמֹר לַחָכְמָה אֲחֹתִי אָתְּ” — “Say to wisdom: You are my sister”; if the matter is as clear to you as your sister, who is forbidden to you, say it; if not, do not say it.

At first glance this is puzzling: what difference does it make from where we derive it, since both amount to the same thing? Rather, the matter is that a dayan needs two things: 1. to be knowledgeable in the ways of the world and to understand with sharpness the words of the litigants and the claims of the witnesses, whether their words are sincere and there is no wrongdoing in their mouths. Otherwise, he will not judge true justice in its fullest sense, but a deceptive judgment, because it will be true only according to their words. This is the meaning of the derashah: if the matter is clear to you as morning — this refers to worldly matters, to being perceptive so as not to be deceived by their claims. 2. to be expert in the laws of the Torah and to state the Torah law clearly. This is the meaning of deriving it from “Say to wisdom: You are my sister” — if the matter is as clear to you as your sister, who is forbidden to you; he must be expert in Torah to know the law accurately, so that the law is clear to him from the Torah just as the Torah’s prohibition of his sister is clear to him. For a dayan must be wise and rule according to the Torah.

From here we learn that in order to create proper life, beyond knowing the matter itself, the law itself, the ruling or the guidance, one must know and understand the nature of the world — “life wisdom” — for to arrive at the truth we need both together.

When we are engaged in such an important and central subject in our lives — education — it is very important that we know how to apply correct judgment toward those standing before us: our sons and daughters, and our students. We must know that not in every matter must we be attached to rules in a manner of “let the law pierce the mountain,” because many times there is a “rule,” but one must know that there is also an “exception to the rule.”

When the great Torah leaders of Israel are asked a question about educational conduct, whether private or general, one can sometimes hear a different answer from the same gadol to the same question, as it were. There is no difficulty here, because each case stands on its own. Through the lens of Torah, with thought and wisdom, one must instruct here in this way and there in another way, even if the cases seem identical. This trait is called life wisdom.

The yetzer, of course, tests us greatly in these matters, for such is its way: to place doubts, confusion, and perplexities in our hearts, and not infrequently a lack of self-confidence, as we stand as parents and educators before the various challenges.

Let us open a fundamental and important doorway from our parashah.

Foundations of the struggle with the yetzer

In our parashah we read of Yaakov’s struggle with the angel of Esav:

“וַיִּוָּתֵר יַעֲקֹב לְבַדּוֹ וַיֵּאָבֵק אִישׁ עִמּוֹ עַד עֲלוֹת הַשָּׁחַר... וַיְבָרֶךְ אֹתוֹ שָׁם” (Bereishit 32:25–30) — “Yaakov was left alone, and a man wrestled with him until the break of dawn... and he blessed him there.”

We must contemplate:

A. Why was it so important for Yaakov to know the name of the man who wrestled with him? Was it not enough that he had fought him and struck his thigh; apparently he should have sent him away immediately.

B. Why did the wrestler not in fact answer his name, but instead reply with the question, “Why do you ask my name?”

C. If it was truly important for Yaakov Avinu to know his name, why did he not ask again? And if knowing the name was not so important, why did he ask at first?

D. Rashi on the verse “a man wrestled with him” (32:25) writes: “Our Sages explained that it was the angel of Esav.” Why was it important for Yaakov to know the name of Esav’s angel? Was it not enough that his origin came from the forces of evil in order to send him away immediately?

E. The wonder increases: not only does Yaakov not send away the angel of Esav immediately, he even detains him after the struggle, for the angel asks, “Send me away, for dawn has risen.” Why? Moreover, Yaakov says to him, “I will not send you away unless you bless me,” and seeks his blessing. How can one seek a blessing from one who is the root of the forces of evil? What is the meaning here?

They live in darkness and illuminate the light

Our Sages explained the matter of asking the name of Esav’s angel, each in his own style. Let us bring the words of the author of “Or Yahel,” as the maggid, the righteous Rabbi Shalom Schwadron zatzal, cited in his name. He brought the foundation in the name of an ancient kabbalist: the question “Why do you ask my name?” — that itself is my name!

He explained with a parable. A villager walked in the street of a city and passed by a large hall containing many seats. From afar he saw pictures moving on the wall and people sitting on chairs watching. He immediately bought a ticket to see the great wonder.

He entered hesitantly and looked around. The hall was completely dark, and on the wall one could see people walking, standing, and sitting — a marvel!

Since he stood far away, at the entrance, his weak eyesight did not serve him, and he could not see well the people running there on the giant wall. No matter how much he strained his eyes, it did not help. What did he do? He had a large flashlight in his pocket. He quickly took it out, turned it on, and shone it on the wall. “When there is light, surely it is easier to see,” he thought.

Angry shouts were heard from every side: “What is this? What is this?” They almost struck him. “Fool! Turn off the flashlight quickly! You are shining and disturbing in the middle!”

What happened? Suddenly the wall became smooth; nothing could be seen! No pictures; the people on the wall disappeared, perhaps they had fled.

And he, in his innocence, said: “What do you want from me? I too deserve to see from far away; I paid the full price”... He did not understand.

There was a wise man there who understood that this was not a wicked person, but truly a simple man who did not understand the meaning of his actions. He rose from his place, grabbed his lapel, and said firmly: “Turn off the flashlight already! You do not know what you have done here. Here one sees only when sitting in the dark; when there is light, one sees nothing”...

They specifically want the darkness — only thus do they enjoy it!...

The yetzer hara is felt only from within darkness...

The huge sign that we are charged to spread over the entrance to the great world bears this sentence: “Here one sees only in darkness.” This was the awesome secret that the angel told Yaakov Avinu:

The one who fought with Yaakov Avinu was the angel of Esav — the angel of the yetzer hara: “He is the Satan, he is the Angel of Death, he is the yetzer hara” (Bava Batra 16a). When two enemies fight and one wins, the way of the world is that the defeated must reveal to the victor the secrets of his warfare and his weapons. At that moment, when Yaakov defeated the angel, Yaakov had the right to ask him: I defeated you — tell me your name, your essence! Reveal the secret of how you, the yetzer hara, draw the whole world after you. “Tell me your name” — tell me your essence, where the secret of your success lies, why the people of the world run after you.

The angel answered: My name is “Why do you ask my name?” — without questions, without reckoning, in darkness... If people do not make a reckoning, if they walk in darkness, they are drawn after me. In darkness everything looks so bright, so sparkling.

But when one illuminates the mind a little, casts a ray of light into the heart, tries to reflect, asks a few questions, and delves deeper, all the pictures immediately disappear! For they were pictures of nothingness, only as if real; with light, everything disappears.

“Why do you ask my name?” — that is my name!

Wondrous indeed!

The method of the yetzer hara is essentially “darkness”: to project a dim, unclear picture. Its entire being is a substance of illusions. The yetzer hara loves doubts and constantly broadcasts uncertainties and confusion; grayness is its daily bread. Where there is clarity, where there is light and a paved, secure road, it is not present; it simply disappears and flees.

The way of Esav’s angel — doubts and confusion

Yaakov Avinu, of blessed memory, the man of truth, wants to know the name and essence of Esav’s angel, who is certainly a symbol and example of the forces of evil, the yetzer hara: he is the Satan, he is the yetzer hara, he is the Angel of Death. All belong to the same foundation, “the forces of evil.” A name indicates essence. Yaakov asks the name and essence of Esav’s angel in order to learn his ways and recognize his tactics, in the sense of: know the enemy!

When we know his way of warfare, says Yaakov Avinu, we will know how to fight him; we will know how to deny him the possibility of existence, so that he will not be able to wage war against me and my descendants after me.

Therefore he asked him: What is your name? What is your essence? What tools and tactics do you use? How do you succeed in influencing people for evil?

To this he answered: “Why do you ask my name?!”

The whole matter of my name and essence is — why?! Questions, doubts, and confusion!

All his methods are to insert doubt into people’s path of life, to introduce coldness through uncertainties and questions in the ways of serving Hashem, to turn the forbidden into something “possibly forbidden,” to give a feeling that everything is always fine, to love complacency, to live superficially, and to spend the whole day occupied with questions of why and wherefore.

This was also the matter of Amalek, whose entire being is from that evil root: to introduce doubts and coldness — “who happened upon you on the way”; “Amalek” has the same numerical value as “safek,” doubt!

Asking in order to remain with the question

Not by chance, this matter became clear to me tangibly that week (Parashat Vayishlach, 5769).

While on the road I once sat studying a book I had with me. Suddenly a pizza deliveryman on a motorcycle approached me and asked in a loud tone: “What are you reading there?” I answered him calmly, but he was not satisfied and began a series of questions, while I responded peacefully. Yet I noticed that his whole goal was to bother me, not because he was truly interested in the matters or wanted to receive answers. He was simply asking in order to ask. Finally, after he had received answers to all his questions, before going on his way, he raised his voice and asked again: “Now tell me why avrechim deserve budgets and students do not?!”

Now the matter became known...

That week was especially stormy, as the general media spread reports whose entire basis was false, of course, claiming that the budget for kollelim was larger than the budget for students. I saw with my own eyes the explanation of the above statement of Chazal: the yetzer’s way is not a paved and orderly road. On the contrary, it works through doubts, questions, and uncertainties. To throw out the question, to create the doubt — that is enough for it; with that alone it succeeds in bringing down many casualties.

The yetzer hara strengthens and renews itself every day

In the Gemara (Kiddushin 30b) there are two statements about the role of the yetzer hara in its influence on people.

Rabbi Shimon ben Levi said: A person’s yetzer overcomes him every day and seeks to kill him, as it is stated: “צוֹפֶה רָשָׁע לַצַּדִּיק וּמְבַקֵּשׁ לַהֲמִיתוֹ” — “The wicked watches the righteous and seeks to kill him”; and were the Holy One, blessed be He, not to help him, he could not overcome it, as it is stated: “אֱלֹהִים לֹא יַעַזְבֶנּוּ בְיָדוֹ” — “God will not leave him in his hand.”

Rav Yitzchak said: A person’s yetzer renews itself against him every day, as it is stated: “רַק רַע כָּל הַיּוֹם” — “only evil all day.”

The power of the yetzer hara operates in two ways:

It both strengthens and renews itself.

It creates doubts and thereby succeeds in confusing a person and blurring his vision; this itself is the power of its overcoming him. In addition, it also renews itself every day.

It has all the tools to renew doubts every day and in every generation. Each day it creates new doubts, questions, and problems, which, Heaven forbid, create a constant stoppage for a person on his path. In this way it achieves its goal: “Why do you ask my name?”

Of course, when dealing with the subject of education, the questions and uncertainties, and the various modes of action, are extremely diverse. But we must know the roots of the matter and apply correct judgment — life wisdom.

But the questioner will ask:

How is this to be done?

A. Always learn from experience! There is no point, and it is truly harmful, to repeat the same behaviors and actions that have proven ineffective time after time — what is called repeating mistakes. We must apply thought and creativity as to how and what to do so that the matter not repeat itself.

B. Connect to the wisdom of the Torah, which is the secret and foundation of all wisdoms.

C. Do not be frightened by mistakes, because one learns from mistakes.

D. Stay close to a Torah personality who is respected in your world, and consult with him about every detail.

E. Let us try to touch upon a practical and essential point, which gives us, our children, and our students another perspective on failures.

Let us begin with the following fact:

I discovered another thousand ways!!!

When the first light bulb was revealed to the world by Thomas Edison, it was a sensational, wondrous, and truly moving invention.

On one occasion Edison was asked how, after a thousand times that he had not succeeded in lighting the bulb he had conceived and wished to produce, he nevertheless continued again and again until he succeeded.

Edison answered them:

“I did not fail; I discovered a thousand ways how not to invent a light bulb.”

This is a powerful statement from which there is much to learn.

Of course, everything depends on perception and point of view. One can say, “I failed,” but one can also say, “I learned another way not to act, or not to do, in order not to fail,” or “another experience on the way to success,” and the like. These matters are very wonderful.

The foundation of these ideas appears in Chazal countless times. We do not need Thomas Edison in order to learn this. But when we internalize that every trial, challenge, difficulty, doubt, and even failure is the path to our success and to Hashem’s blessing upon us, it will become easier for us. We will always feel wanted and beloved before Him, and we will renew inner strength to continue our service of Hashem and the education of our sons — our students.