An Educational Insight from Parashat Toldot — For Those Who Know People Who Have Drifted Away

Love for one’s children and students is not merely important and beneficial; it is truly an existential necessity.

Years ago, my teacher and master, our revered master HaGaon Rabbi Yaakov Edelstein zatzal, told me the following, word for word: “I felt that my father loved me. I will give you an example: before Purim, he left his own affairs and spent several hours building me a large gragger, and I was very happy with it. I felt my father’s love for me, and that strengthened me.”

In our parashah it says: “ויאהב יצחק את עשו כי ציד בפיו ורבקה אוהבת את יעקב” (כה, כח) — “And Isaac loved Esau, because game was in his mouth; and Rebecca loved Jacob” (Bereishit 25:28).

At first glance, one should ask: why is Isaac’s love specifically for Esau mentioned? Surely he loved Jacob as well. If so, why was that not mentioned in the verse?

And in general, Rebecca’s love for Jacob is understandable and does not require many explanations. But Isaac’s love for Esau is less understandable. How can one love a wicked person, a man of evil deeds?

However, here the Torah taught us the extent to which “love” is not merely another matter or an added virtue, a privilege in loving one’s children; rather, it is an actual existential need for them.

Isaac our forefather understood that without expressions of love toward him, Esau would not be able to exist properly. Consequently, he had to relate to him as a “son” despite his wickedness and evil. The benefit of this approach was proven later, for because of this love he merited the mitzvah of honoring his parents in an unparalleled way, as brought in the Midrash (Bereishit Rabbah, chapter 65, section 16; see also the Gemara, Kiddushin 31b): Rabbi Shimon ben Gamliel said: “All my days I served my father, yet I did not serve him even one hundredth of the way Esau served his father. When I served my father, I would serve him in soiled garments, and when I went out on the road, I would go out in clean garments. But Esau, when he served his father, served him only in royal garments. He said: ‘It is not fitting for my father’s honor that he be served except in royal garments.’”

Isaac certainly loved Jacob, and this is obvious and need not be mentioned. But to love Esau? That is the novelty!

As the Sforno explained: “ויאהב יצחק את עשו” — “And Isaac loved Esau”: even Esau, although he undoubtedly knew that he was not complete like Jacob. End quote. The Torah emphasized Isaac’s love for Esau in order to teach something new: even someone who is not complete and does not follow the proper path must be loved.

How does one love?

By giving. And giving gives birth to love.

And what did Isaac give Esau?

A feeling of importance. He gave him the sense of being wanted, of having a role. By accepting from him the foods he liked, he was in fact giving to him — and giving a great deal.

As parents and educators, we must know and internalize that every act of giving on our part — when it is felt in the soul of the child or student — creates love.

The following incident testifies to this:

Creative Hours

A father recently told me about his eleven-year-old son, who struggles with his studies and in other areas as well; dealing with him requires a broad, systematic approach. One day, I saw him showing interest in components used to assemble electronic devices. I bought him kits with which one can assemble small devices with batteries, motors, and the like (intended for children and teenagers). Twice a week I would sit and play with him using these kits, and I feel that this built the connection between us and strengthened him in several respects.

Indeed, the very connection and shared experience often contribute enormously to strengthening a child’s self-confidence, imbuing him with tremendous strength and empowering him.

But there is something more here.

That boy later said to his father: “Abba, I feel that you love me.”

Indeed, there is a direct connection between these things.

***

Sometimes one does not even need to make a special effort in order to give and bestow love; it can be done through a good conversation with the student or the child. These are everyday occurrences: when I meet children and teenagers who express the feelings of their hearts toward a certain figure in their world, saying, “So-and-so understands me,” “So-and-so loves me,” even though it appears that, in fact, that person gave them nothing special besides a good attitude and a listening ear.

In the rush of life, we may miss the connection between us (educators or parents) and the student or child, and speech becomes a technical tool by which we merely transmit knowledge, say what is permitted and what is forbidden, but do not truly speak with one another. A personal conversation, accompanied by warm words, compliments, and encouragement, is a tool that helps us strengthen and establish this critically important bond. We must dedicate regular time for conversation or activity with each child separately.

Let us raise an important point regarding this matter:

Not Talking on the Way

When speaking about connection and bonding, one must know that the intention is not always to perform great or unusual actions. Quite often, they can be created within the flow of life, quite easily.

What is needed is simply — awareness .

For example, one can see many parents who take their children in the morning to kindergarten or to the Talmud Torah. It may be that the parent has no time during the day to give or offer something personal to the child, and therefore those morning moments are precisely a good time for a personal conversation, showing interest, sharing, and the like. So why do we see so many who take the child’s hand and remain silent the whole way... simply not speaking with him at all... Only when they arrive at the educational institution do they part from him with a perfunctory “goodbye,” or, in a worse case, dismiss him with a wave of the hand while continuing a phone conversation...

It seems there is a great missed opportunity here. What a pity.

Rabbi Michael Zacharyahu

Spiritual director at the Torat David Yeshivah Gedolah and chairman of the Legiono Shel Melech organization