Insights in Education from Parashat Lech Lecha — “It Is Always My Fault” — Is That Really So?

How far does my responsibility extend as a parent toward my son or daughter?

Is everything that happens with a young person always connected to our failures as parents?

Let us begin with a story that one Jew related to me:

“My son,” he said sadly, “is a very painful story. Already at a young age he left the path, and to this day 15 years have passed since he cut off contact. He is abroad, married with children.

Two months ago, my wife and I went to consult with a talmid chacham who understands the field of education, and he made it clear to us again and again that we are not a failure, and that the fact that the child strayed from the path is his choice — a painful choice, to be sure, and one that constitutes an enormous trial for us.

His firm words changed our perception of the entire story. He managed to touch a point of truth in our inner world, because truly we tried and did everything for him and on his behalf.

And behold, a wonder! A month later he made contact and expressed his desire to meet with us! That is the story.

Let us perhaps try to understand briefly: what happened here?

This tendency to see ourselves as guilty is found among most of us. There is a feeling — sometimes present in the subconscious — that all the young person’s flawed conduct, educationally or spiritually, is a direct result of our failures as parents. This is especially powerful in the painful and much-discussed phenomenon of youth dropping out from the path of Torah. A child decides, Heaven forbid, to deviate from the path, to leave the yeshiva, or in the worst case even to give up the appearance accepted in our circles. A difficult sight by all accounts. And then — what do people say behind one’s back? The parents are to blame for everything: “If they had raised him properly — he would not have left.” “You treated him too harshly,” or “You were too soft with him.”

This has many consequences, such as parents lacking the confidence to act and do what they believe is right, and difficulty guiding the home according to their way. Of course, this feeling of gnawing doubt is reflected and transmitted within the connection between parents and children, since lack of confidence is always felt like a frequency... Likewise, at times feelings of guilt and pangs of conscience arise over all kinds of statements or actions, a sense of helplessness, arguments within the home, and more...

One must know that our children are not our property. They have their own personality, spirit, and soul, which they received from the Holy One, blessed be He. These children — before they are ours — belong to the Holy One, blessed be He!!! We must know that the Holy One, blessed be He, runs the world, and when we see that this particular child received certain tools and circumstances that caused him to deteriorate, even if the parents did indeed err in educating him, ultimately this is the special trial that the Holy One, blessed be He, designated for the child, and this was written for him in Heaven from the outset.

When a child cooperates with us and follows the accepted path — we are pleased and full of satisfaction, but in our hearts we think this is simply a gift, siyata diShmaya... But when a child does not behave as he learned in our home, for some reason the understanding forms within us that we are the “failure”... and we feel ashamed.

Have you ever heard anyone blame Avraham Avinu, peace be upon him, for Yishmael’s decision to become “a wild man”? And conversely, does anyone praise Terach, Avraham’s father, for the excellent education he gave his son, attributing Avraham Avinu’s righteousness to what he saw at home? And what of the wicked Esav, who came from the righteous Yitzchak? Did they not educate properly? No! So why is it that in our case the parents are always responsible for the results?

There are three partners in a person: the Holy One, blessed be He, his father, and his mother. Hashem entrusted us with an exceedingly precious deposit — pure souls, the children of Israel — and gave us all the abilities and skills to raise them in the best possible way. We do the best we can, and in many cases — above and beyond. We invest endless thought in raising them, in many cases consult daat Torah, and repeatedly weigh our steps for the children’s benefit.

As in every matter, so too in educating children, everyone wants to see blessed fruits, but we do not run the world. We have a full and important partner in raising a child. The third partner — Hashem, may He be blessed. He is the One who gave us the task of raising and educating them and charting a path for them, giving them a proper, warm, and loving place, so they can bring from potential into actuality what they essentially received from the Creator, blessed be He.

And every person has the path, the course, the unique role and mission designated for him — and for him alone.

As we learned in our parashah:

The Holy One, blessed be He, promises Avraham Avinu one of the wondrous promises: “ויאמר הבט נא השמימה וספור הכוכבים אם תוכל לספור אותם ויאמר לו כה יהיה זרעך” (בראשית טו, ה) — “And He said: Please look toward the heavens and count the stars, if you are able to count them. And He said to him: So shall your offspring be” (Bereishit 15:5).

And Rabbeinu Bachya wrote in his commentary on the Torah: “The phrase ‘So shall your offspring be’ further includes the levels of wisdom, for just as among the stars there is one whose light shines and sparkles more than another, and their levels differ, one above the other in light and in attainment, so too the sages of Israel are destined to have differing levels: the light of this one’s Torah above the light of that one’s Torah, and this one’s attainment above that one’s attainment.”

We have learned that people are not equal even in a world of sages, wise people, and those of attainment, where perhaps one might think that their world is equal and identical. Here the Torah taught us that each person has his own place, path, attainments, mission, and role.

Indeed, as a parent I must take responsibility for raising the children and be mindful not to act toward our children or students in a way that could interfere with, or even harm, their education — something that without doubt, and with great pain, also exists. But to establish as a firm rule that the parents are always to blame is not correct, as stated. At the same time, we must not forget that they too possess free choice, and they have their own distinct role, which the Creator designated for them (and not we) here in the world of action.

[And the intention is not statements such as “let him choose,” which contain much truth, but are sometimes said out of place regarding children or erring youth who do not yet have the capacity for judgment and for making fateful decisions concerning the foundation of their education or their future. Rather, the point is the very concept of “Jewish choice”; the matter is lengthy, and there is much to elaborate on...]

We make our effort, but the results are not in our hands!

In many cases, when we change something in our thinking or in the way we look at the child and remove feelings of guilt from ourselves, something in the dynamic between us and the child changes, and he too, with Hashem’s help, in most cases, chooses to change his behavior for the better. As the story above demonstrated. When the parents understood that they had done what was incumbent upon them, while taking responsibility, and understood that there is One who runs the world, then the turning point occurred.

We learned:

- As parents, we must know and understand that the child possesses free choice, and not everything depends on us.

- Of course, what was said above does not in any way remove, nor even slightly diminish, our responsibility as parents regarding his proper, value-based, and spiritual upbringing.

- Not everything that happens to him always comes from educational failures.

- Each person has a separate and personal role from the Creator, which he and only he can and must fulfill. As parents, it is always important to review this.

- When our eyes are lifted upward, toward Hashem, may He be blessed, without self-flagellation and unnecessary feelings of guilt, we will also be able to change the direction of the child, the young person, and the adolescent.

By Rabbi Michael Zechariah

Spiritual director at the Torat David Yeshiva Gedolah and chairman of the Legion of the King organization