Educational Insights from Parashat Va’era — To Respond or Not to Respond

One of the cornerstones of education is found in the words of the holy Or HaChaim in our parashah.

I will first share with the readers a question that was asked of our master, the Rosh Yeshivah, HaRav HaGaon Rabbi Gershon Edelstein zatzal, regarding a young man who goes out with his father on Friday night. The father is a ben Torah and G-d-fearing man; however, sadly, his son — who has strayed from the path — takes out a cigarette and smokes. Should the father rebuke him or leave him alone? The Rosh Yeshivah shlita answered that under no circumstances should he rebuke him, because there is nothing to be done.

Another question was brought before him: how should a father act when his son, due to our many sins, has turned his back on everything sacred to the point that he brought into his parents’ home a girl he had met on the street? Should he be removed from the home? Here too, our master zatzal rejected this firmly. When they wondered before him: after all, the home is a Torah home, and seemingly his siblings might, Heaven forbid, be influenced by him, he answered: “There is nothing to be done.”

Once, bewildered parents came to his home and told him that their daughter no longer maintains a religious way of life, and she is asking for money to buy immodest clothing. Should they prevent her from doing so? He answered that if she will in any case buy such clothing, they should buy it for her.

An Appropriate Response

There are presumably quite a few people who raise an eyebrow at these words, and one can understand them. But without a doubt, the root of the problem lies within us: we do not deeply understand the view and intention of great people.

Before we try to explain a little, let us preface: does an educator standing before his students have an arsenal of varied responses and courses of action that he uses with his students, or does he have defined patterns and fixed actions that he uses (of course, with reference to different situations)?

Undoubtedly, an educator who understands the souls of his students cannot respond identically to the same incident with two students, and certainly not with twenty or thirty students. Each one has a different family background, a unique character, different emotional strengths, and essentially different abilities. One student needs his attention called to the matter privately; with another, it must be done with respect and friendship; for a third, a look in the eyes is enough, and so on — because each one is an entire world unto himself, with a different story (and the matter is broad and well known).

Each One Has an Exceptional Quality

In our parashah it says: “וארא אל אברהם אל יצחק ואל יעקב בא-ל שדי ושמי ה' לא נודעתי להם” (“I appeared to Avraham, to Yitzchak, and to Yaakov as El Shaddai, but by My Name Hashem I was not known to them”).

The question is obvious: why did the verse not say more briefly, “I appeared to Avraham, Yitzchak, and Yaakov,” but instead lengthened the wording by adding the word “to” for each one individually?

The holy Or HaChaim addressed this and explained wonderfully, as follows: “The reason it mentioned them individually is because each one has an exceptional quality.”

That is, from each one we can learn a unique trait of his own, from which we can learn for generations. What is it?

“‘To Avraham’ — he was elevated because he was the one who first recognized his Creator, without anything from the Blessed One preceding him. For you will find that anyone who was preceded by knowledge of the Creator from His deeds and His conduct with His creatures is not to be praised so greatly when he follows the path that G-d chose for him, for every intelligent person will choose the good, especially the complete, pleasant, and wondrous good — the way of Hashem.”

The holy Or HaChaim distinguishes between choosing the way of Hashem out of habit and routine and choosing it out of love for the good. This was Avraham Avinu, whose unique virtue lay in the fact that he chose to cleave to the Creator even though he had no prior awareness in his thoughts of the Creator’s existence; therefore, he is worthy of appreciation.

“‘To Yitzchak’ — for he had another quality: he stretched out his neck upon the altar. ‘And to Yaakov’ — for he was complete, and no repulsive drop emerged from him, such as Yishmael and Esav.”

We have learned that the Blessed Creator turns to each of the Patriarchs individually, because each of them represents a different aspect of his stature and his role here in the world of action. Consequently, they cannot be grouped together, as stated.

We too, in relation to our students and our children, cannot address each one in the same formulation or use the same tools, because each one of them is an aspect unto himself, and each one has his own personality, for whom unique and specific roles are intended according to his strength, soul, and the root of his neshamah.

I Learned a Great Deal from the Grandmothers

Once my father, HaRav HaGaon Rabbi Netanel shlita, said to me: “I learned a great deal from the grandmothers of old.”

He meant a mode of conduct he had seen in the previous generation, when a grandmother would speak with each grandchild in a different wording and in a different manner. From her familiarity with him, she knew and understood how to influence him according to his character, strengths, and inclinations of the heart. For one she would place a candy in his hand; to another she would offer a respectful rebuke privately; to a third she would not rebuke at all (ignoring is also a type of response); and to a fourth she would give a direct, focused look, and so on.

Indeed, to behave with each person according to the inclinations of his heart is great wisdom.

A Response of Silence or Ignoring

Sometimes an educator must use a response called “no response” (not from a place of “I am not responding to you” because “I do not regard you” or because “you are not worth a response,” and the like, for that itself is in fact a form of response; rather, from a place of “I did not see”). Even if a student stumbled in a deed that should not be done, it is sometimes possible to ignore it, to turn a blind eye.

One of the great educators related: Once our master Rabbi Aharon Yehuda Leib Shteinman zatzal said to me: “A good educator must not see 80%!”

I asked him: And if I do see? Our master zatzal answered me: “Then do not see.”

I continued asking: And if I nevertheless saw?

Our master zatzal answered me: “Think that you did not see!”

I asked again: The student sees that I saw, and if I do not respond, perhaps they will learn from this that since I was silent, it implies I approve?

Our master zatzal became serious and said: “Do not be such arrogant people! Educators must stop thinking that they run the entire world. Let them cope!”

I answered and said: Rosh Yeshivah, it is Torah, and I need to learn!

Then he received me pleasantly and began to say: “The world is full of germs. A person is constantly infected by many germs. Why does he not fall ill and take to bed ten times every day? Because the Holy One, blessed be He, created an immune system in the body, and it overcomes most illnesses. When there is no choice and the germ was too strong, one must take medicine. Woe to a person who needs to take medicine for every germ.

“As with illnesses of the body, so it is with illnesses of the soul — that is, coping with evil inclinations. There is a yetzer hara; it is unbearably difficult. But the Holy One, blessed be He, does not place a person in a trial that he cannot withstand. People are tested, they fall, they cope, and they rise — and in this way they grow. Only in this way can one mature and develop. The role of parents and educators is to provide tools; in very difficult situations, to provide support and advice; at times, to put someone in his place. But these are only medicines or vaccinations. At least eighty percent, the child and adolescent must cope with on his own strength; otherwise, he will be spiritually disabled.”

In time, that educator related: Personally, I can testify that this guidance of our master zatzal served me as a milestone and a signpost for life. Over more than twenty years of involvement in education, if I had addressed everything I saw and given it the usual response, today many of my male and female students would be idlers on street corners! The many things I ignored according to that guidance of our master zatzal give me enormous pleasure today: to see the husbands of those girls, who are among the finest avreichim in the city, and most of them tell me that behind their “shteigen” stands their wife. And I think to myself: if only that avreich knew what his wife went through in her youth...

When the Soul Is Wounded

From here, perhaps we can understand the view of the leader and great sage of the generation who instructed people to ignore serious events that, sadly, occur in the homes of G-d-fearing and wholesome people, where, due to our many sins, one member of the household has strayed from the path (as mentioned above). For at present he is in a complex reality and a complicated state; his soul is wounded and torn, and therefore he is in the category of an “anus” — one who is compelled. Consequently, there is nothing to be done, because any response or comment (and sometimes a scolding) will only worsen the situation and create an even worse reality.

As G-d-fearing Jews, we do not evaluate responses according to our desire or our inner instinct, but according to the reality and the state in which the youth finds himself. To what may this be compared? To a son suffering from mental illness (may the Merciful One spare us) who smokes on Shabbat, and as a result his father expels him from the home. Could such a thing enter one’s mind?

This is precisely the story of the struggling youth — and even more difficult, because many times the sufferings of the soul are greater than the sufferings of the body.

At one of the gatherings held several years ago for educators about struggling youth, I heard Rabbi Uri Zohar zatzal, who was known for his assistance in advising and guiding parents whose children had dropped out, relate:

“There is an important rebbetzin who told me that a woman with eight children came to her, and one daughter had left religion, and she did not know how to handle her and what would be with the other children. She did not know what to do — to remove the daughter from the home or not.

“The rebbetzin said to her: Let us go to Rabbi Elyashiv and see what he says. They went to Rabbi Elyashiv and presented the question to him: a woman with eight children whose daughter had deteriorated — what should be done with the other children? ‘Rabbi Elyashiv said,’ the rebbetzin says, ‘listen: with my own ears I heard, and with my own eyes I saw his holy mouth speaking:

“Disperse all eight children among your family, and leave her at home; help her, and take care of her!

According to what has been explained, the matter is very understandable: the others are healthy, and perhaps they will be able to cope with the move; but the one who has strayed from the path must be kept — and as close to her parents as possible.

A point for thought.

Indeed, whether to respond or not to respond is a great question that requires much reflection. May it be that as educators we always merit to direct ourselves toward the true response.

Amen.

Rabbi Michael Zechariah

Spiritual director at the Torat David Yeshivah Gedolah and chairman of the Legiyono Shel Melech organization