Educational Insights from Parashat Shemot — Empathy and Sympathy as Fundamental Tools
Empathy and Sympathy as Fundamental Tools
A
There is a survey by the organization “Arachim” that should interest every parent and certainly every educator.
The survey shows that struggling youth connect far more with those who show them empathy, listening, understanding, and a smile in their meetings than with professionals who studied extensively to know, from a technical standpoint, how to treat them.
This calls for serious reflection on how greatly educators are obligated to be attentive, empathetic, and warm toward students—and, in truth, toward every Jew. But the obvious question is: how is this done? What tool can help one reach that deeply empathetic place that creates sensitivity, listening, and genuine understanding of the person standing before us?
It seems that one of the secrets of the matter is found in our parashah.
The verse says: “וַיַּעַן מֹשֶׁה וַיֹּאמֶר וְהֵן לֹא יַאֲמִינוּ לִי וְלֹא יִשְׁמְעוּ בְּקֹלִי כִּי יֹאמְרוּ לֹא נִרְאָה אֵלֶיךָ ה'. וַיֹּאמֶר אֵלָיו ה' מַה זֶּה בְיָדֶךָ וַיֹּאמֶר מַטֶּה” — “Moshe answered and said: ‘But they will not believe me and will not listen to my voice, for they will say: Hashem did not appear to you.’ Hashem said to him: ‘What is that in your hand?’ And he said: ‘A staff’” (Shemot 4:1–2).
An interesting dialogue is taking place between Moshe Rabbeinu and the Holy One, blessed be He. Moshe asks what he should do if the nation will not believe him or listen to him, and Hashem responds with a question: “What is that in your hand?”
Our sages explain this in several ways, but there is a fundamental and meaningful explanation that carries a practical lesson.
A Leader’s Quality: To Be a “Staff,” to Bend Toward Another
It is told of the holy author of Kedushat Yom Tov that, as a young scholar, he was appointed rabbi of the small community of Tetsh. Before traveling to assume his position, he asked his holy father, the author of Yitav Lev, already elderly and experienced in the rabbinate of Sighet: “Teach me, my father, teacher, and master, what good conduct and straight path a person should choose so that peace and tranquility will reign with his community, he will succeed in his post, and he will be spared people’s hatred.”
His father answered: When Hashem sent Moshe Rabbeinu to lead Israel and redeem them from Egypt, Moshe asked, “Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the Children of Israel out of Egypt?” His question was the very question you are asking me.
Hashem answered him: “What is that in your hand?”—what good trait is within you?
Moshe answered that he had no good trait except a “staff,” meaning only this: that he could bend himself toward every Jew, lending an attentive ear to his request and concerns.
Hashem answered: This is the trait that can prolong the days of a leader among Israel. Do likewise.
In truth, every person is a “leader.”
Every family man, anyone responsible for a group or holding any role—and certainly an educator, melamed, maggid shiur, mashgiach, or rosh yeshivah—is responsible for the souls Heaven has entrusted to him to nurture, educate, and raise.
If he knows how to bend himself, subdue the inclinations of his heart, remove personal interests, restrain anger, and set aside his own traits when his son or student stands before him, seeing the other’s true benefit before his own nature and temperament, then he will touch the inner soul and awaken the genuine desire to become better.
The Mashgiach Never Smiles—He Is Always Angry
An avrech once told me that he spoke with a boy in a yeshivah ketanah, and the boy said: “I don’t understand why the mashgiach is always angry. I never see him smiling and happy. So how does he want the boys to be happy?”
The avrech said he remained silent, not knowing what to answer. What could he say? The boy was right. One who is meant to serve as a personal example must himself display the proper attitude.
This brings us back to the central point: how important it is to remove personal biases and radiate empathy, sympathy, understanding, and sensitivity toward the surroundings, especially toward our sons and students.
Chesed and Gevurah—Right and Left
I recently saw a man shouting at his son for walking in the street without a hat and jacket, saying: “I swear you will not receive a computer from me, and I will give you nothing if you walk in the street without a hat and jacket.”
King Shlomo, the wisest of men, teaches: “חֲנוֹךְ לַנַּעַר עַל פִּי דַרְכּוֹ, גַּם כִּי יַזְקִין לֹא יָסוּר מִמֶּנָּה” — “Educate the youth according to his way; even when he grows old, he will not depart from it” (Mishlei 22:6). Each generation needs a different educational path; every family has its own approach; and every child in the same family differs from his siblings.
There is no single identical path for everyone. Boundaries are necessary, and a father must transmit proper conduct, but never with violence, shouting, or closed eyes that ignore the child’s feelings.
The weak one shouts and hits; the strong one does not need to shout or hit.
Kabbalah hints to this: chesed corresponds to the right hand, and gevurah to the left. Seemingly it should be the opposite, since the right hand is stronger. The answer is that the truly strong person does not use force; the weak one does. The strong person embraces and loves. An authoritative educator need not raise his voice; the students hear his instruction and carry it out.
Certainly, it is of great importance for a yeshivah student to walk as a prince, dressed appropriately with hat and jacket. But is shouting the way to convey the message? Is that how one bends himself and his heart toward the spirit of a young man? Is that how values are transmitted?
B
Authority—From the Idea of Support
Some educators today seek alternatives to punishment, but authority does not mean hitting. On the contrary, if an educator must hit, his authority has failed. True authority means support: the student relies on and believes in the educator and therefore listens.
Discipline is not merely that students are quiet because the educator is present; it means that they acquire self-discipline as a basic foundation for life. The educator’s personal example—punctuality, respect, order—is the way to instill it.
Preparing the Lamps—Creating a Vessel
The preparation of the Menorah’s lamps in the Temple had to be done by a kohen, whereas lighting them was valid even by a non-kohen. This teaches that preparation is so essential that it cannot be delegated.
The Torah makes preparation the main service, while the flame “rises on its own” (Shabbat 21a). Preparation is the essence; afterwards, a person’s fear of Heaven can rise by itself.
Yeshivah ketanah is the stage of preparing the lamps—shaping the boy’s personality into a proper vessel. Yeshivah gedolah is more like lighting the lamp, when he begins, in a certain sense, to carry himself.
Thus, in adolescence, it is crucial to know how to speak, in what form, and how to transmit values and good middot, primarily through personal example.
Yaakov’s Rebuke to Reuven—When?
People assume that education cannot be only “the right hand drawing close”; sometimes “the left hand pushing away” is needed. Yet rebuke has many conditions. Though rebuke is a mitzvah, one may not say something that will not be heard, and the poskim discuss who may rebuke, whom, and how.
When Yaakov Avinu wished to rebuke Reuven, all the conditions were certainly present. Still, he waited forty-eight years, until the day of his death, lest Reuven go and attach himself to Esav (Rashi, Devarim 1:3).
This teaches how dangerous the weapon of rebuke is. In our generation, many temptations wait outside. For every spoonful of rebuke, a child needs ten buckets of love and connection, expressed in real concern for his needs. Even then, rebuke must be reserved for an auspicious time when hearts are close.
For Healing the Soul, the Generations Have Changed
The Pele Yoetz writes that just as bodily treatments have changed with the generations, so too the healing of the soul has changed. In generations of increased brazenness, harshness only increases stubbornness. One who wishes to guide people should do so with good, soft, sweet words, for “לשון רכה תשבר גרם” — “A soft tongue breaks a bone” (Mishlei 25:15).
May it be Hashem’s will that we keep the proper balance and always derive much nachat.
C
Education Today—Even the Left Must Draw Close
“Today we need the left hand to draw close and the right hand to draw close,” said Rav Gershon Edelstein in a special conversation with the righteous gaon Rav Dov Yaffe. They discussed educating yeshivah students in Torah and character. Rav Edelstein related that the Chazon Ish said that while once there was a left hand that pushed away and a right hand that drew close, today both must draw close.
These penetrating words impose great responsibility on us as parents and educators not to push away any student and certainly not to hurt him, for we cannot know how far the damage may reach.
A Rabbi Must Honor His Students
At an educational gathering, HaRav HaGaon Rabbi David Cohen shlita, rosh yeshivah of Chevron and member of the Council of Torah Sages, explained that although firm discipline is necessary, Rambam teaches that just as a student must honor his teacher, so the teacher must honor his students. Authority and rebuke must come from respect and love, not anger or contempt.
The proper way is to address the deeds, explaining that they are improper, while relating to the student himself with respect and love. One must never despair of any student; experience proves that weak and difficult youths have grown into admirable people.
Knowing How and What to Advise
The following story illustrates this. Motti’s parents waited for an appointment with a developmental specialist while the kindergarten struggled with his hitting, biting, throwing, and outbursts. The cheder principal suggested an immediate solution: Risperdal, saying it improves behavior and prevents rage attacks.
Later, the occupational therapist told the mother that Risperdal is an antipsychotic medication originally intended for schizophrenia and used in some severe cases in children, with significant side effects. “If Motti were my child,” she said, “I would remove him for home education before agreeing to give him such an unsuitable medication.”
Whatever one’s view of medication, the basic point is clear: truly see the other, understand his soul, and be a “staff”—first bending oneself to his need as a student or son, offering the most honest advice for him, without mixing in the educator’s own desire for quiet.
D
Glasses That Required Glasses...
One area requiring great work is preserving the dignity of others, including a small child. Public humiliation is a trace of murder. Tamar did not say to Yehudah, “I am pregnant from you,” but rather, “By the man to whom these belong.” From here the sages said: Better for a person to cast himself into a fiery furnace than to shame his fellow publicly.
A story is told of a groom who refused to come to his wedding because he could not tolerate the bride’s glasses. The bride and family suffered terrible shame. Months later she married a far better match and lived a happy life. The groom, who never apologized, later married; his wife needed glasses, their child was born with severe eye problems, and years later he suffered a head injury that damaged his vision for the rest of his life. The one who was shamed went on to happiness, while the one who shamed was judged measure for measure.
A kollel head in Holon once explained how his kollel was supported. Returning from Tzfat, he ran out of gas. A driver took him to a station, but he refused to buy there because it was open on Shabbat. He explained that Shabbat is Hashem’s precious gift, and he could not purchase from one who publicly tramples it. Four years later that driver, Yossi, inherited a fortune from his father, who had requested that a tenth be given to a truly God-fearing Torah scholar to learn for his soul. Yossi remembered that act of devotion to Shabbat and gave the maaser to him.
E
This fundamental point is learned from another aspect of our parashah. “ואלה שמות בני ישראל” — “And these are the names of the Children of Israel.” Rashi writes that although they were counted by name in life, they were counted again after death to show Hashem’s affection for them; they are likened to stars, which He brings out by number and calls by name.
Hashem thus teaches a basic path in serving Him through educating our sons and students: to make known their preciousness, to express their virtue, importance, and loftiness.
A positive bond between parent or teacher and child is essential for influence. If the child does not find the warmth and love he needs, he may, Heaven forbid, seek them in foreign fields.
Low Socioeconomic Status with Extraordinary Happiness—Can It Be?
A study led by Israeli psychologist Professor Oren Kaplan found that people with religious attachment are happier. The study showed that grateful people suffered fewer post-traumatic symptoms after rocket attacks during Operation Cast Lead. Gratitude, he explained, is a deep emotional force that changes one’s relationship to life and strengthens resilience.
Asked whether happiness is connected to religious faith, he answered yes: religious people are generally more resilient, and Bnei Brak residents are among the happiest populations in the world despite low socioeconomic status, because they have meaning and something for which to be grateful.
One Who Denies His Fellow’s Good Denies Hashem’s Good
Gratitude is a foundational key in Jewish thought. When a Jew feels and appreciates the Creator’s kindness, he longs to fulfill His will. He understands that what he has is not due to his own power and is not self-evident. The sages said: one who denies the good done by his fellow is like one who denies the good of the Omnipresent, for gratitude is one test of a person’s relationship both to Hashem and to people.
During World War II, the son of Rav Eliyahu Eliezer Dessler zatzal, Rav Nachum Zev zatzal, was saved and reached America. Years later Rav Dessler came to meet him. Hearing how Rav Eliezer Silver of Cincinnati had hosted and helped his son, Rav Dessler traveled nine hours by train to thank him personally. Rav Silver assumed he had come with a request, but Rav Dessler repeated that he had come only to express gratitude. Rav Silver finally smiled and said, “Now I understand how important gratitude is.”
Such was Rav Dessler’s way: he would thank even for the smallest kindness. When someone tried to stop his thanks out of embarrassment, Rav Dessler said: “The small measure of thanks I can give—you wish to prevent me from giving it? You will make me a debtor, and I will have to answer for it.”
Let us deepen sincere gratitude to everyone who does good for us: a family member, a chavruta, a storekeeper, a bus driver. In this way we will accustom ourselves to thank the Creator and praise Him for His good kindness.
Source
By Rabbi Michael Zecharyahu, spiritual director at the Torat David yeshivah gedolah and chairman of the organization Legyono Shel Melech
