Putting Flowers on a Grave

Is it ok to put flowers on a grave ? Someone told me it is Goyish

Shalom!

Thank you for your question!

You question reminds me of the following Talmudic passage: Rav Assi and Shila were known to fight bitterly about a certain halachic matter. They died on the same day and their funerals were held together. At their funeral, someone put haddasim, myrtle branches on their coffins. We are told that the myrtle branches jumped from one coffin to the other which was said to be a sign that Rav Assi and Shila had reconciled with each other in heaven.

So it seems from here that placing myrtle branches, and perhaps other greenery, was practiced. In fact, it was even permitted to cut such branches and flowers on yom tov!

The primary reason that flowers have historically been associated with funerals was to hide the bad smell that was common around dead bodies.

As you correctly note, flowers and greenery at funerals and on graves has become very much associated with non-Jewish practice. As such, placing flowers on a coffin or grave may very well be a violation of the prohibition against following non-Jewish customs and should not be done.

It is interesting to note that placing flowers on a grave, at any time, is even more problematic than placing flowers on a coffin at a funeral. This is because we don’t want to give the impression at the cemetery that some of the deceased are more distinct or special than others. There is a rule that all the dead must be treated equally. One who sees flowers on a grave should not actively smell them due to the prohibition against befitting from the dead, or anything used for their behalf, in any way.

The Jewish way of showing honor when visiting a cemetery is to place a small stone upon the tombstone of the one you are visiting. This honors the deceased by letting others know that the grave has been visited. This custom is ancient going all the way back to the biblical era. One should also place one’s hand upon the tombstone for a few moments when visiting a grave.

Nidda 36b, 37a; Beitza 6a; OC 526:4; Rema, YD 178:1; Be’er Heitev, OC 224:8; Kaf Hachaim, OC 581:92; Minchat Elazar 4:61:3;