Honoring Parents — in a Situation of Difficulty

I am 22 years old, the son of parents who are ba’alei teshuvah, and I have gone through a difficult period, including divorce.

For the purpose of earning a livelihood, I keep a tablet that has only WhatsApp, and I use it solely for work. My parents are very opposed to this, and they are not willing for me to bring the device into their home. When I come to them, they shout at me about it and interrogate me harshly about what I do and the places I go. This causes me great distress and pain.

I try very hard to honor them: I do not answer them back, and I even hide the device so as not to hurt them. But the situation has become very difficult for me.

How should I conduct myself according to halachah regarding keeping the device for the needs of earning a livelihood in the face of my parents’ demand? What is the limit of the mitzvah of honoring parents when their demands or behavior cause me great distress and harm my ability to earn a living and lead a normal life? And what is the proper way to deal with the interrogations and shouting while maintaining their honor, but also preserving my strength and mental health?

Shalom u’vrachah. 

I am not addressing the actual matter of keeping the device, which certainly requires approval from a rabbi who can assess your personal need for it. 

Keeping the device is not an issue between you and your parents, but rather an issue between you and Hashem. Therefore, in a case where it is clear to you that it is permitted, you do not need to change because of your parents’ demand. However, you must act respectfully and not take the device out in their home or in their presence, so as not to anger them. 

Regarding how to conduct yourself with them when they distress you with their words: you are not obligated to agree with them. But you may not answer them with chutzpah, nor may you disgrace them; rather, you should remain silent and continue to treat them with honor. As the Shulchan Aruch writes (Yoreh De’ah, siman 240, se’if 3): How far does their awe extend? If the son was dressed in fine garments and sitting at the head of the congregation, and his father and mother came and tore his clothing, struck him on the head, and spat in his face, he should not shame them; rather, he should remain silent and fear the King of kings, the Holy One, blessed be He, Who commanded him regarding this. 

Shulchan Aruch, Yoreh De’ah, siman 240, se’if 3

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