When to Hold an Unveiling
Question
When Should an Unveiling be held?
Answer
Shalom!
Thank you for your question!
There are many different customs as to when to hold an unveiling ceremony.
There are some who do so immediately after the shiva period. This approach is based on Kabbala which teaches that the soul of the deceased has no "residence" in this world until a tombstone is erected over its grave. Holding the unveiling immediately or soon after shiva is somewhat widespread in Israel. There are also those who do it after "shloshim" - after the initial thirty day period of mourning.
There more widespread custom in the Diaspora is to wait eleven or twelve months from death before holding an unveiling ceremony. In this instance, holding it after eleven months is meant to add meaning to the cessation of reciting Kaddish (which is recited for eleven months for a parent), and holding it after twelve months allows the unveiling ceremony to double up as a yartzeit gathering. It is also explained that holding the unveiling ceremony after eleven or twelve months allows friends and family to refresh their memories of the deceased.
When unveiling within 30 days of a holiday, like Pesach, Shavuot, or Sukkot, one may not eulogies the deceased.
It is not permitted to use one tombstone for husband and wife. A tombstone should display the name of the deceased along with his or her father's name. In some communities, the mother’s name is included as well, alongside the father’s name. One does not inscribe a tombstone in English or include the secular date of death. It is forbidden to sit or even lean on a tombstone.
Source
Tosfot, Ketubot 5a; Taz Y.D. 364:1; Shach Y.D. 364:3, 375:12; Pele Yoetz, Kevura; Minchat Elazar 3:37; Ketav Sofer Y.D. 178; Gesher Hachaim 28:2,3; Aruch Hashulchan Y.D. 339:5, 376:1; Elya Rabba 224; Levushei Mordechai Y.D. 2:140, Minchat Yitzchak 3:51-52