Shiduchim: My Parents Don't Like My Choice

Hii rabbi, I am 20 years old in two months I did seminary last year and met a good guy through a friend! I sadly flew back to America so me and this great guy were unable to continue a relationship. A few months later he reached out to me saying his mother wants him to start shiduchim and he really had a strong connection with me and would like to begin something serious with me. We started to get to know each other and things were great. I came to Israel with my family for my brothers bar mitzvah and we were able to make a stronger connection through our dates! My mother who is not observant but strongly believes said we should bring him for shabbat at my aunts. Most of my family likes him and told me great things. My father who I have a very good relationship with says he was a bit disrespectfully. Many people disagreed and told him its just a type of slang in Israel. He had a meeting with my father and my father told him how he feels about him and he said he will change because he wants to marry me. My stubborn father does not want to change his mind because he wants me to marry a lawyer who has plenty of money. My grandfather who I am also very close to gave his blessing and said he is a good guy. My father gave his blessing but does not want me to get engaged yet. Me and him started becomings homer and became a lot closer to Hashem because we want it to work out. I am making Aaliyahh bzh and mynparents are going back in a few days. My shiduchs parents wants to meet my parents but my father does not want. please let me know what I should do. How doing get my father to approve of this engagement asap!

Shalom!

Thank you for your question!

Even though one does not have to listen to ones Father as explained later, it is important to understand why he was not respectful to your father (sometimes parents see things differently and they might mean your good maybe he sees he has bad Middos etc.) and of course to try your best to have your father agree in any way you can, maybe by arranging a meeting between them and he should show him respect and try to get over the bad feelings.

Although there is a mitzva to “honor one’s father and mother,” one is not obligated to honor one’s parents’ wishes when it conflicts with one’s choice of whom to marry. In fact, one is obligated to marry the person of one’s choice, even if others disagree. Marriage is a mitzva of the Torah and one is not obligated to listen to one’s parents any time that it conflicts with another mitzva of the Torah.

It is explained that the requirement to honor one’s parents only applies to things that could affect them and their lives. One’s choice of a marriage partner is a decision that will ordinarily not affect one’s parents and how they go about their daily lives. This is especially true when one lives in a different city than one’s parents. If such a marriage would directly affect the lives of one’s parents or embarrass them, then, one might be required to honor their wishes and not marry the individual.

The exemption from having to listen to one’s parents regarding whom to marry applies equally to sons and daughters.

Kiddushin 41a, YD 240:15,25;   Meishiv Davar 2:50;  Noda B’Yehuda, EH 45; Avnei Tzedek , YD 99;  Shevet Halevi 2:111:17.

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