Asking Parents for Favors
Question
My dad is traveling abroad, and I was wondering if it is okay to ask him to buy headphones for me while he is there. I know that with kibbud av va’em you are not supposed to ask your parents to do things for you. If I give him the money and he is anyway going shopping, would it be allowed?
Answer
Thank you for your question.
It is impressive to see your dedication to this very special mitzvah, and I would like to share with you some guidelines on this important Halacha.
One may not ask his father to bring him something or to do something for him. However, if one’s father brings him something of his own accord, it is permitted to accept it.
So, for example, if you have to go to work and one of your kids is sick and at home from school, one may not ask either his mother or father to come over to babysit. What you can do is hint that you need their help, such as saying, “I have to go to work, but I do not know who will be with the child…” and then, if they offer to come and babysit, it would be permitted.
We find a basis for this in the Gemara, where it is written in Mesechet Kiddushin 45b that one does not have the audacity to make his father a messenger for him. This is the quote of the Gemara:
תלמוד בבלי מסכת קידושין דף מה עמוד ב
לא חציף איניש לשויי לאבוה שליח.
A person is not so brazen as to appoint his father as his shaliach.
However, we do find later in the Gemara that one did appoint his father as a shaliach, as brought on page 51b.
The answer is that this Gemara is talking about a case where the son hinted to his father that he needed someone to go for him, and his father offered to go on his son’s behalf.
So we see that if one’s father offers himself to go for you or to babysit for you, then it would be permitted.
In practice;
With regard to asking your father to buy things for you when he is abroad, you could hint to him that you heard that abroad the headphones are much cheaper, etc.
Hagaon Harav Fried says that if you know that your parents are waiting for you to ask for their help, and your father would be happy to bring you what you want, then it would be permitted to even ask them straight out, in a respectful way.
If one’s father is a Talmid Chacham;
Although we do find that if one’s father is a ben Torah (talmid chacham), then one may not be served by one’s father even if he offers to do so.
The source of this halacha is brought in Gemara Kiddushin, page 31b, as follows:
תלמוד בבלי מסכת קידושין דף לא עמוד ב
אמר ליה רב יעקב בר אבוה לאביי: כגון אנא דעד דאתינא מבי רב, אבא מדלי לי כסא ואמא מזגה לי, היכי איעביד? א"ל: מאמך קביל ומאבוך לא תקבל, דכיון דבר תורה הוא חלשה דעתיה.
Rav Yaakov bar Abba said to Abaye:
Someone like me, that when I come home from the beis midrash, my father lifts a chair for me and my mother pours me a drink. What should I do?
He answered him:
From your mother you may accept it, but from your father you should not accept it, because since he is a ben Torah, it would humiliate him.
This is brought lehalacha in the Shulchan Aruch:
שולחן ערוך יורה דעה הלכות כבוד אב ואם סימן רמ
אם האב רוצה לשרת את הבן, מותר לקבל ממנו אלא א"כ האב בן תורה.
Shulchan Aruch, Yoreh Deah, Hilchos Kibbud Av Va’em, Siman 240:
If a father wishes to serve his son, the son may accept it, unless the father is a ben Torah (a Torah scholar).
However, nowadays we find that fathers, even bnei Torah, do prepare meals for their sons or do shopping for them.
HaGaon HaRav Fried shlit”a says that things that the son could have done easily himself may not be done by his father. If, however, it is something difficult for the son, such as preparing a meal, then if the father offers to do so it is permitted. Also, as long as it is not something like serving his son, as in the story above, that would be forbidden.
Of course, if one’s father persists in giving to his son or doing something for his son, and if the son refuses he would be insulted, then it would also be permitted.
Wishing you much success.
Source
- Talmud Bavli, Kiddushin 45b
- Talmud Bavli, Kiddushin 51b
- Talmud Bavli, Kiddushin 31b
- Shulchan Aruch, Yoreh Deah, Siman 240
- Pesakim Ve'hearot
