Giving Bad News

The Talmud teaches that one should make an effort to avoid relating bad news. (1)  One who does so is considered to be a “fool.” (2)  So too, it is noted that relating bad news can sometimes shock the recipient of the news and even kill him. Indeed, Sara died from the news that Yitzchak had been taken by his father to Jerusalem and nearly sacrificed.(3)  One should even exercise caution when delivering exceptionally good news as that too can cause a serious shock.(4)

Although one is not permitted to lie in order to avoid giving bad news, one is permitted to say “I don't know” if one does not want to relate the bad news. (5) The blessing “…dayan ha’emet” is to be recited when hearing exceptionally bad news. Le'halacha, however, is to recite it without including God’s name, except when hearing about the death of a close relative (for who one is required to mourn) at which time it is recited in full. (6) One must be very careful about what one says to a very sick or dying person, especially when relating news that someone has died.(7)

The ban on spreading bad news is one of the reasons that water is traditionally poured onto the street when a death occurs in the neighborhood – to avoid having to spread the news explicitly, or at least not verbally. (8) When bad news must be conveyed, one should endeavor to do so indirectly, such as in the form of hint, so that the listener realizes the bad news on his own. If even this isn’t possible, it is better to have a non-Jew spread bad news rather than a Jew.(9) A number of authorities rule that it is permissible to publish death notices in a newspaper. This is because the information is being spread in writing, rather than verbally, which is considered to be “a hint.” Similarly, a child is forbidden to refer to his father by name, yet is permitted to do so in writing. This idea is extended to cases such as this. Only spreading bad news verbally is problematic, but spreading it in writing is permitted. Some say that it is permitted to spread bad news that has already, or is likely to, spread fast.(10)

There is a view that one should not tell others about the appearance of a rainbow, as doing so is a form of spreading bad news. This is because the appearance of a rainbow is a sign that God wanted to destroy the world, but held Himself back, due to His covenant with Noach never to destroy the world again.(11)

As mentioned in the chapter “Adon Olam,” there was once a custom in some congregations for the chazzan to sing Adon Olam out loud. However, if someone in the community had recently passed away, the chazzan would recite Adon Olan very quietly so that the members of the congregation would figure out on their own that someone had died. This too, was in order to avoid having to explicitly relate bad news. It was also in order to avoid singing the words “With my spirit shall my body remain, Hashem is with me, I shall not fear,” out loud when a close friend has just died. On Shabbat, however, Adon Olam was always sung as normal, due to the prohibition against public displays of mourning on Shabbat. (12)

One who must relate good news and bad news should relate the good news first. This is derived from the fact that God first told Avraham that he will have a son, and only afterwards did He tell him about His plans to destroy Sodom. Similarly, a passage in the Torah that contains bad news is always to be preceded with some verses that contain good news.(13)

(1) Pesachim 3b.

(2) Mishlei 10:18.

(3) Rashi and Siftei Chachamim to Bereishit 23:3.

(4) Ramban to Bereishit 45:26.

(5) YD 402:12. See also Metzudat David to Shmuel 2 18:29.

(6) Mishna Berura 223:8,9.

(7) Moed Katan 26b; Rambam, Avel 8:4; YD 337:1; Aruch Hashulchan, YD 337:1.

(8) Kol Bo 114; Shach, YD 339:9.

(9) Pele Yoetz, Besura.

(10) Chaim B'yad 103.

(11) Mishna Berura 229:1; Chayei Adam 63:4.

(12) The Encyclopedia of Jewish Prayer, page 7, quotes Matteh Moshe 1:31 as the source for this custom but it does not appear in the edition I looked in.

(13) Rema, OC 138:1.