Being a Good Guest

Not only are there rules on how one must treat one’s guests, but there are also rules on how one must treat one’s host. For example, the Talmud says that a guest is required to comply with the wishes of the host, as it says, "you must do everything the host tells you to do." (1)  This includes the members of the host’s family. (2) T he requirement to fulfill the wishes of one’s host includes tasks that one would not ordinarily perform in one’s own home. (3)

There is a view that a “guest” is defined as someone who is sleeping over, and not one who is merely invited for a meal or otherwise spending time at another person’s home. (4) However, it is commendable to comply with the wishes of one’s host regardless of why one is on his premises. One is only required to comply with one’s host’s wishes that are relevant inside his home. One need not comply if one’s host requests that one do something outside the home, such as if one is asked to do some shopping, or the like. (5)

One who is paying for the hospitality, such as in a hotel, is not truly required to comply with the requests of the host. (6) One should always reciprocate hospitality, though one should never explicitly state in advance that one intends to reciprocate, as doing so may be a violation of the prohibition against charging or receiving interest. (7)

If the host is a G-d fearing Torah-observant Jew, a guest is permitted to eat anything he is served without the need to make any kashrut related inquiries. (8) One need not comply with a request to eat or drink if doing so would be harmful for whatever reason. (9) One should promptly fulfill the requests of one’s host, just as one would promptly fulfill the requests of a very important person. (10)

There is an alternative version of the Talmudic passage cited above which is “you must do everything the host tells you to do except for leave .” According to some authorities, these extra words were inserted by a prankster printer and should be ignored. (11) Others accept this version as authentic, explaining it to mean that one is not required “to leave” in order to perform chores outside the home, as mentioned above. (12) Nevertheless, some authorities do take it literally and rule that a guest is never truly required to leave should he not want to.(13) Yet others explain it to mean that one should not leave until one is literally kicked out. (14) The Zohar accepts this latter version of the Talmudic passage as authentic. (15)

It has been suggested that the dispensation for a guest not to leave, even if he is asked, was inspired by the story of "Kamtza and Bar Kamtza." Bar Kamtza was publicly humiliated and rudely thrown out of the party that he was mistakenly invited to. This incident eventually led to the destruction of the Beit Hamikdash. According to this approach, the limitation of “except for leave” was added to the text so that a guest should not be forced to leave nor should a host even ask his guest to do so. (16) In any event, one should be attentive to any “hints” that one’s host may give that it might be an appropriate time to leave.(17)

1. Pesachim 86b; OC 170:5

2. Birkei Yosef, OC 170:7.

3. Birkei Yosef 170:5; Mishna Berura 170:16.

4. Ktzot Hashulchan 39:20.

5. Bach, OC 170.

6. Bach, OC 170.

7. Rema, OC 170:13.

8. Shach, YD 119:20.

9. Mishna Berura 170:16.

10. Eliyah Rabba 170:9; Birkei Yosef, OC 170:8.

11. Meiri; Maharsha.

12. Bach, OC 170.

13. Drisha, OC 170; Aruch Hashulchan, OC 170:8.

14. Magen Avraham 170:10.

15. Zohar, Pinchas 244a.

16. Sefat Emet to Pesachim 86.

17. Yalkut Hagershuni to Pesachim 86b.