Honoring Difficult Parents

Hello, I'm currently struggling with Exodos 20:12, in regards to my father. How do I go about honoring someone who is emotionally and physically abusive? Because I want to fulfill the requirement to honor him but I don't see how I can. Any guidance is great appreciated and thank you for your time and wisdoms.

Shalom!

Thank you for your question.

The mitzva of “kibbud av va’em” -honouring one’s parents- is an extremely important mitzva, 

Allow me to share a Talmudic passage with you about honouring parents when it is not easy to do so:

Rav Asi had an elderly mother. She said to him: “I want jewellery.” So, he made jewellery for her. She said to him: “I want a man whom I can marry.” So, he said to her: “I will seek one for you.” She said to him: “I want a husband who is as handsome as you.” At this point, Rav Asi realized that his mother was senile, and that he would be unable to fulfill all her requests. Therefore, he left her and went to the Land of Israel . . .

From this passage, Maimonides rules that if it becomes too difficult to honour or care for one’s parents a child may move away from the parents although the Shulchan Aruch adds that one should appoint someone else who will take care of the parents in his absence.. You are not obligated to suffer any abuse whatsoever from your parents. In other words, there is no need to actively fulfil the mitzva of Kibbud Av Va’em if it will lead to such hardship. It is also worth mentioning that there is no minimum or maximum amount of interactions one is required to have with one’s parents in order to fulfil the mitzva of Kibbud Av Va’em. One positive encounter a year might be preferable than many “uncomfortable” encounters a year.

I hope this helps!