Private Sins

Hi Rabbi, shana tova to you. I would love to tell my name , but im worried for myself , so just refer to me as Z.im 30 yrs old and been struggeling for a long time. Ive sinned over and over again , and done some bad sin and the same one over and over. Has to do with pornagraphy but more then that unfortunately, so porn is a big problem and got worse in my life over years. Dont know when it started, maybe 3 or 4 yrs ago.I cant stop it, i felt hashems forgivness on multiple occasions without doing teshuvah which i ask every morn when i try to do teffelin. which i think i should do teshuvah, but even if i do , im scared/worried that i might to fall back into old habits again even after teshuvah . I also read somewhere it takes 30 days to build up a new habit, ive tried 30 days without bad sinful addiction, trying to ignore porn, and im still not giving up on doing that, but ive just sinned way too much, the guilt is always there , but always fell short not completing the full 30 days without porn. Ive been thinking to go to therapy, or rehab center,but its taking me a long while to find one, and i havent made the action to do so unto towards finding the right shrink. Im scared of my life after death Rabbi, i wanna change my ways for good in a better direction and to help my own self, but in need of sone advice towards a step into the right direction .and save myself from myself. I hate myself too, and thought bad thoughts about me many times when i know ive been blessed as well . I can sing / teach dancing / and teach martial arts/ i draw as well/ i write poetry and all that. So im blessed by hashem. Im scared even mentioning gods name knowing myself of what j did. He has done only great things for me again and again. Any advice onto how to go about this complex situation ? Anything you could suggest Rabbi?

Shalom!

Thank you for your question.

First of all, allow me to begin by commending on always trying to be better. Your desire to overcome your challenges is not only commendable but it is also inspiring.

Hashem loves any Jew who feels bad for sins committed and resolves not to do them again. This is true even if a person again falls! Hashem desires the heart and is pleased to see His children always doing their best to serve Him.

Look up https://guardyoureyes.com/ its an excellent place where you can receive help and a professional mentor which can help you get back on track and not feel alone.There are also many doctors and therapists that can help control such desires. IF you are having difficulty breaking away on your home you should not hesitate to seek help.

Everyone has different urges in different areas in life. Our mission is not to act on the forbidden urges, but rather, to focus on the permitted ones. Sexual urges are of course some of the most difficult.

Let me share with you a piece of Talmud (Sukka 52b) on dealing with sexual urges:

“Rabbi Yoḥanan said: A man has a small organ used in sexual relations. If he starves the organ, and does not overindulge, it is satiated; however, if he satiates the organ and overindulges in sexual relations, it is starving, and desires more, as it is stated: “When they were fed, they became full, they were filled, and their heart was exalted; therefore have they forgotten Me” (Hosea 13:6).”

As you can see, our sages teach that the more we refrain from acting on our forbidden sexual desires the less we will have the desire to sin. Start by taking upon yourself not to sin in this way. At the beginning it will be hard, as our sages say “all beginnings are hard” but slowly it will become easier to refrain. It will soon be completely natural to live a life without acting on your urges.

You must never forget that every Jew is special and that God loves you as much as everyone else. As mentioned, everyone struggles with different desires and urges. One “inclination” is no better or worse than another. We all struggle and we must all overcome. God rewards us even for the effort.

With that in mind, I want to encourage to connect with your Judaism. Attend synagogue. Make sure you have a siddur and chumash and other holy books in your home to study from. The “Artscroll” publishing company has thousands of books for beginners on all topics in Judaism. And reach out to your local rabbi.

God does not give us a test that we cannot manage.

With blessings