How do you honor toxic parents?
Question
My question is this. I have a very complicated and hostile relationship with my parents. It's reached the point where I never want to see them because the things they say and my wife genuinely doesn't want them around at all. That being said, my upbringing has burned it into me to honor thy father and mother... I just don't know how to do that anymore. They are so hostile to my wife and I'm afraid they could mentally and my children the way they did to me. They clearly won't change at this point but they also refuse to be ignored. What do I do? I feel like I am dying inside.
Answer
Shalom!
Thank you for your question.
We understand your pain and would love to give some helpful advice.
While the mitzvah of Kibbud Av Va’em (honoring your father and mother) is important, there is no need to be around them frequently or unnecessarily.
Furthermore, in many situations the relationship with a spouse takes priority over fulfillment of the mitzva of Kibbud Av Va’em. So too, there is no need to actively fulfil the mitzva of Kibbud Av Va’em if it will lead to mental hardships or traumatizing of the children. There is no minimum or maximum amount of interactions one is required to have with one’s parents in order to fulfil the mitzva of Kibbud Av Va’em. One positive encounter a year might be preferable than many “uncomfortable” encounters a year.
As such, in your case, it is appropriate to keep your parents at a distance. Look for your wife’s and children’s best interests. You decide how much time you and/or the family is to spend in the presence of your parents, always calculating if it will negatively affect your family, and make your decisions accordingly.
Consider limiting family gatherings to a few times a year, phone calls in advance of holidays and birthdays, and other compromises to ensure that nobody is negatively affected by your parents.
To summarize: there is no need to actively fulfil the mitzva of Kibbud Av Va’em when it can lead to negative results. Just simply do your best to be polite and diplomatic when dealing with your parents.
With wishes for a new years of blessing and peace.