Raising Kids with Non-Jewish Wife

My girlfriend and I have talked about getting married and having kids. I am Jewish and she is not. We’d live in the U.S. I have never been religious and have not been to a synagogue in years. That said, I always imagined celebrating Jewish holidays with my kids, teaching them about Hebrew texts from a literary, cultural and historical perspective (not theological) and having them bar/bar mitzvaed). My girlfriend was raised Catholic but is a fairly anti-religious person, believing that it primarily divides people and causes trouble. I believe she is also concerned about Jewish kids being persecuted (she grew up in a Muslim-majority country). She is fine with me familiarizing our kids with Jewish traditions and history and is also ok with them being bar/bat-mitzvaed, but she doesn’t want me to encourage them to identify as Jewish until they are 18, when they can decide for themselves. A part of me wants to accept this compromise. After all, she’s not asking me to familiarize them with Catholic traditions so she’s meeting me more than halfway. But I’m concerned that this distinction between learning about Judaism and participating in cultural practices on the one hand while not identifying as Jewish on the other is impractical. Is it realistic to have your kid prepare for a bar/bat mitzvah while postponing the question of whether they are Jewish?

Shalom!

Thank you for your question and thank you for being so straightforward and honest.

On the one hand, conversion for your girlfriend is not an option for many reasons. One reason is that conversion for the sake of marriage is almost always invalid. Another reasons is that an “anti-religious” person is obviously not attracted to the mitzvot of the Torah. Any conversion without full hearted acceptance of the mitzvot in invalid. There are other reasons, as well.

As an orthodox rabbi, I cannot, of course, condone any form of intermarriage, as well the children born from a non-Jewish mother won't be considered Jewish according to Jewish law. Furthermore, almost all intermarriages end in divorce, especially after children come into the picture. Save yourself the heartache. As you yourself said, the dual identity is impractical, and will, in fact, be a disaster.

Therefore, I recommend you put your current relationship on hold and explore dating in the Jewish community.