Comforting mourners via FaceTime app

My friend is sitting shivah, lo aleinu. Is it halachically acceptable to call him via FaceTime, or do I have to go there in person?

Thank you for your question.

Comforting the family of the deceased is an important mitzvah, and in order to answer your question clearly we will take time to clarify the laws and meaning of this very special mitsvah.

The Rambam writes in Hilchot Avel, Perek 14, Halacha 7, that comforting the mourner is greater than visiting the sick (Bikur Cholim), since visiting the sick is an act of kindness for the living, whereas comforting the mourners is an act of kindness for both the living and the departed.

We see from the Rambam that there is more than just comforting the mourners we are also bringing comfort to the deceased.

First, let’s understand the laws of how one comforts the mourners.

The Chafetz Chaim writes in Sefer Ahavat Chesed, Volume 3, Chapter 5, that the source of this mitzvah is hinted at in the Torah, (Deuteronomy 13,5): "And you should follow Hashem your G-d." The Talmud, in Tractate Sotah 14a, explains that following the ways of Hashem involves imitating His acts of kindness. For instance, just as Hashem clothed Adam and Chavah, we too should provide clothing to the poor and destitute. Similarly, just as Hashem visited Avrohom when he was sick and recovering from circumcision, we should also visit the sick. Furthermore, the Talmud adds that just as Hashem comforted Yitschok after Avrohom's passing, we are also obligated to comfort mourners.

The Chafetz Chaim adds that it is also part of the mitzvah of Ve'ahavta l'reyacha ka’mocha, loving your neighbor as yourself. Just as a person would want someone to come and comfort him in his difficult hour of mourning, so too should one comfort others in their difficult hour.

How do we comfort the mourners?

It is customary to say to the mourners: "Hamakom yenacheim eschem mi’toch she’ar aveilei Tzion ve’Yerushalayim, velo yosifu le’da’von od” The custom of Bnei DSefarad is to say: “Min Hashamim tenuchamu” However, there is more to it. A person should try to speak to the mourner and comfort him not by attempting to make him forget the deceased, since the entire purpose of shivah is to speak about the deceased. Instead, by discussing how righteous the deceased was and recalling his deeds, the pain of separation will become easier for the mourner to bear.

Comforting the deceased?

It is brought in Tractate Shabbat (page 152a) that Rav Chisda said, A person's soul mourns throughout the seven days, as it is written, (Leviticus 15,31) 'And his soul shall mourn over him' ….Rav Yehudah said, that in a case where a deceased has no comforters, then ten men should go and sit in his place (home). There was an incident where someone in the neighborhood of Rav Yehudah died and had no comforters, every day Rav Yehudah would send ten men, and they would sit in his place(home). After seven days, the deceased appeared to Rav Yehuda in a dream and said to him “You can be at ease, for you have put me at ease (i.e. you have comforted me).”

We see from this passage of the Talmud that coming to the place, i.e., the house where the deceased lived, sitting there, recalling his good deeds, and praying there with a minyan will comfort not only the mourners but also the deceased.

According to this we can now understand, that even when one comes to a shivah house and there is only one mourner who is sittig shivah, we still comfort him in the plural tense (“Yenachem Es’chem”, or Te’nuchamu) since one is not only comforting the mourner but also the deceased.

Based on this understanding with regard to your question, it is important to come personally to the place of the deceased since the soul of the deceased is present there and it's an opportunity to bring the soul comfort, however in a case where it isn't possible to attend then one can still call or even write a letter that will arrive before the end of shivah since this will bring comfort to the mourners which is also a big mitzvah.

May you hear only Besurot Tovot.

Rambam, Hilchot Avel, Chapter 14, Halacha 7.

Chafetz Chaim, Sefer Ahavat Chesed, Volume 3, Chapter 5.

Tractate Sotah, 14a.

Tractate Shabbat, page 152a.