Personal Advice

As a mother, I am more than sad — perhaps I didn’t know how to be a good mother. A couple of years ago, we discovered that we are descendants of Jews, and we made a promise to my mother to return to that path. My son had a medical condition that was hard to understand — he was intersex, meaning he had both male and female characteristics, with testicles in his abdomen. When he was a child, the doctor operated on him. I raised him as a girl his entire life. When he grew up, he made the decision to live as a man, but that affected his entire conversion process. He changed his name, his identity, and tried to return to the community in secret. I couldn’t help much with Jewish matters, so I met a Jewish man — a doctor — and gave him full authority over my daughter, who was now a man. I made a mistake. In addition, my son has a form of autism. He is intelligent and functional, but he follows everything people tell him, he is insecure, and it’s easy for him to be led into trouble. He fell in love with a girl who had a female partner. I told him to walk away from that, but he continued seeing her. This girl suspected something about his identity and started to believe he might be dangerous. We were all hiding who my son had once been. Sadly, this girl is someone important, with a lot of power within the community. She is the head of *bitajón* (security). She issued an alert, denied any relationship with my son, and accused him of being a stalker. My son let himself be blamed. When I asked him why, he told me that Maimonides made it clear — it is better to be the one who is wronged than to be the one who causes harm. My son sought help in the community, but since not many people knew him, they chose to believe her. Everything got worse — my son was defamed by this woman, who had important connections, and he was pushed out. Nothing is getting better. There is no rabbi who thinks about how to resolve these misunderstandings. The community’s rabbi was a gossip. My son met with him because he was suffering from love. The rabbi figured out who he was talking about, and every time my son spoke to that girl, the rabbi told her she couldn’t see him during work hours. That destroyed the good relationship they once had. It reached the point where every time she saw him, she would say, “Go away — you’ll make me lose my job.” He would leave immediately. He told me that once she yelled at him, but her eyes were filled with tears, so he left in silence. They didn’t hate each other — but many people got involved. On top of that, the Jewish doctor I trusted caused him a lot of trouble. My son can’t leave the country. He is autistic. This country is small and good for him. There has to be someone with a heart who can help clear everything up — a kind rabbi, someone who can understand that my son saw that place as his home, and that this girl lied out of anger because many people told her negative things about him. I don’t know what else to do. It’s been a year and three months, and nothing has changed. Everything has fallen apart. Only my son keeps his faith — but sometimes I wonder if he should. Nothing gets repaired.

Shalom!

Thank you for writing to us.

First of all: don't give up! Keep praying that everything will work out.

You did great by consulting a doctor, even though this time it didn't work out well you should still peruse perhaps a psychologist and psychiatrist, as well. Send your son to be examined and evaluated.

Try to find an orthodox rabbi to guide you, as well, since it is important to know the halachic status of your child.