Sexual Urges

I am 21 years old. I have just completed a full 2 years of semen retention. In the past I would've been overjoyed at the accomplishment, but now I feel nothing. I have somewhat conquered that impulsive, sudden desire. Yet that slow, gradual, lingering desire, is nagging at me. I have lost much of the motivation to fight it, especially after achieving this milestone. This has led me to watch some disturbing visual content online, bordering on actual explicit pornogrophy. It usually leaves me disgusted and depressed. I guess my question is; if masturbating would rid me of my bad thoughts and of watching harmful content, is it permitted (given that there are some fringe rabbis that permit it for unmarried singles)?

Shalom!

Thank you for your question.

First of all, allow me to begin by commending on always trying to be better. Your desire to overcome your challenges is not only commendable but it is also inspiring.

Hashem loves any Jew who feels bad for sins committed and resolves not to do them again. This is true even if a person again falls! Hashem desires the heart and is pleased to see His children always doing their best to serve Him.

Doing such acts is never permitted, look up https://guardyoureyes.com/ its an excellent place where you can receive help and a professional mentor which can help you get back on track and not feel alone. If you are having difficulty breaking away on your home you should not hesitate to seek help.

Let me share with you a piece of Talmud (Sukka 52b) on dealing with this subject:

“Rabbi Yoḥanan said: A man has a small organ used in sexual relations. If he starves the organ, and does not overindulge, it is satiated; however, if he satiates the organ and overindulges in sexual relations, it is starving, and desires more, as it is stated: “When they were fed, they became full, they were filled, and their heart was exalted; therefore have they forgotten Me” (Hosea 13:6).”

As you can see, our sages teach that the more we refrain from acting on our forbidden sexual desires the less we will have the desire to sin. Start by taking upon yourself not to sin in this way. At the beginning it will be hard, as our sages say “all beginnings are hard” but slowly it will become easier to refrain. It will soon be completely natural to live a life without acting on your urges.

You must never forget that every Jew is special and that God loves you as much as everyone else. As mentioned, everyone struggles with different desires and urges. One “inclination” is no better or worse than another. We all struggle and we must all overcome. God rewards us even for the effort.

With that in mind, I want to encourage to continue to connect with your Judaism. Attend synagogue. Make sure you have a siddur and chumash and other holy books in your home to study from. The “Artscroll” publishing company has thousands of books for beginners on all topics in Judaism. And reach out to your local rabbi.

God does not give us a test that we cannot manage.

With blessings