Respecting Mother in Law

What are the actual duties of "respect" a daughter in law is supposed to give her mother-in -law? I am a new widow of a talmid chacham and tzadek. My daughter -in- laws parents have been frankly horrible to me and actually excluded me from my son's wedding because they are ashamed that he was adopted. Now my daughter- in- law seems to think that her only duty is to SAY she respects me but refuses to come to visit me with my new grandson or allow me and my other sons to visit her and the baby. My son has business in our city so I at least see him once in a while.But my daughter- in -law otherwise ignoring and avoiding me ( with my new grandson)is breaking my heart.

Shalom! 

Thank you for your question. 

We are saddened to hear about your situation. 

Regarding your question of a daughter-in-law’s obligation to her mother-in-law, we find that the Shulchan Aruch (YD 240:24) clearly states that the mitzva of honouring one’s parents extends to one’s in-laws. 

One of the famous examples of this is that when King Saul was trying to kill the future King David, David had the opportunity to kill King Saul first, but, instead, he simply cut off a piece of King Saul's clothes. When Saul left the cave, David ran after him to show him the ripped piece of clothing as proof that he could have killed Saul but didn’t. He then said, "See, MY FATHER...I did not kill you...(Samuel 1 24:12) 

At the same time, the Shulchan Aruch tells us that im-laws should not be too demanding and give their children/children in law their space. (YD 240:19). As such, one should always remember that one’s children-in-law are entitled to make their own decisions even if it might conflict with your ideas, such as how frequently they should visit, and the like.

As such, perhaps you can try to invite your daughter for a nice lunch or other gathering where you can talk things out and try to understand each others’ perspectives in the relationship. So too, perhaps a third, mutually trusted party, can be asked to help mediate. If such efforts are done with tact and dignity, you will likely come away a little more relived and at peace. 

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