Honoring Mother - In Case of Great Difficulty
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Question
Hello, Honorable Rabbi, I wanted to ask about honoring parents. Unfortunately, my dear mother is a bit difficult and often behaves and speaks to her children in an unpleasant manner. We have not maintained a mother-child relationship for a long time; in fact, we have taken on the management of the household and the upbringing of our younger brother, who is 10 years old. We are three siblings aged 18-24, and I am the eldest. Recently, my mother threw my sister out of the house while speaking to her in an unpleasant and immodest way. We all experience such situations with her from time to time, and we always respond respectfully and, God forbid, do not retaliate despite the harsh words. I always fulfill every request and desire of my mother, and so do my younger siblings, who are very well-mannered. Currently, it is very difficult for us to talk to our mother; we are all hurt by her because it has happened many times, and each time we are hurt again because she is our mother. My question is, are we violating the commandment of honoring father and mother by not speaking to our mother, and how should we behave? On one hand, I do not want to hurt her back by not speaking to her, but on the other hand, I cannot endure such pain from my mother anymore. Thank you very much.
Answer
Hello,
It is not possible to provide a detailed answer without hearing the entire discussion, so I will outline only a few agreed-upon principles.
A. The commandment to honor one's mother is a positive commandment from the Torah, its greatness is immense, and the reward for it is explicitly stated in the Torah, that the children will be rewarded with well-being and long life.
B. Like any commandment from the Torah, a Jew is obligated to invest effort in it, even when it is difficult.
C. On the other hand, in any case where there is clear physical or mental harm due to the honor, the son is exempt from honoring his parents.
Now it is necessary to clarify with a rabbi well-versed in Halacha when the honor causes harm to the son and when the honor is difficult but possible.
Wishing you much success.
Source
Shulchan Aruch, Yoreh De'ah, Siman 240