Lying for the Sake of Peace

Hi Rabbi, I hope all is well. I have an important question. My husband and I are not on speaking terms with my parents. We are currently in a conflict. They hurt us a lot and did very hurtful things to us and so we are in a fight. My husband and I live in Israel and my parents live in the United States. My mother arrived to Israel for my nephews bar mitzvah. I asked my husband if I should just text my mother to say welcome to Israel and he said no he doesn’t think I should since we’re not on speaking terms. We hoped that during her short stay here in Israel we can meet up and speak about what happened and make shalom. I ended up sending her a text message that says welcome to Israel and told her that it’s already my fourth time initiating a conversation. It was very important for me to text her that, so that we can meet for the sake of shalom. She replied to my text message by inviting us to the bar mitzvah. And then I told my husband my mother texted me. He asked me if I texted her first and if I wrote welcome to Israel but I said no for the sake of shalom bayit. Because I knew that if he knew I texted her first he would feel disappointed. He asked me again, if I promise that I didn’t text my mother first welcome to Israel and I again said I promise I didn’t text her. My question is, was I allowed to say I promise I didn’t text my mother first even if though I did do it, for the sake of shalom bayit?

Shalom!

Thank you for your question.

Although Torah says (Exodus 23:7), “Distance yourself from a lie,” there is much discussion among the halachic authorities the extent to which this directive applies.

The halachic authorities generally permit lying for constructive purposes, and the most cited example of this is “shalom bayis” – peace between husband and wife. Indeed, the Talmud (Yevamot 65b) says that Rabi Ila said in the name of Rabi Shimon ben Elazar that it is permitted for a person to bend the truth for the sake of peace. One of the proofs for this position is that even G-d Himself bent the truth for the sake of peace. When Sara did not believe that she would have a child in her old age, she said, “but my husband is old.” But when G-d related her response to Avraham, G-d said that Sar aid “but I (Sara) am old,” so that Avraham would not be insulted by his wife’s words about him.

Another example of lying for the sake of family peace is after Yaakov died, his sons were worried that their brother Yosef would know take revenge on them for having thrown him in the pit and sold him as a slave. As such, they made up a story that their father said, before his passing, the Yosef should forgive the brothers for their deeds. But of course, Yakov said no such thing.

There are many other examples as well.

As such, in your case you were permitted to lie to your husband about your texting with your mother, since your intention was to avoid a Machlokes (argument).

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