Tanchumim: Comforting Mourners
Question
For ל״ע Nichum Aveilim Sfardim say משמים תנחמו, and Ashkenazim say המקום ינחם וכו׳. Is there a source for adding ולא תוסיפו לדאבה עוד?
Answer
Shalom!
Thank you for your question.
It is actually unclear where the traditional mourner’s greeting -- actually a blessing -- of "Hamakom yenachem etchem betoch shaar aveilei tzion v'yerushalayim” -- “May G-d comfort you among the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem" originates from.
One will notice that the phrase is worded in the plural. This is because it is intended to convey that not only is the mourner being comforted by the shiva visit, but the soul of the deceased is being comforted, as well. In Sephardic communities, the customary greeting is "tanchumu min hashamayim" – "May you be comforted from heaven."
As you note, there are a number of different versions (at least 4) of the wording that should be used when comforting a mourner. None of the different wordings are halachically binding and it is all a matter of community custom.
The "Hamakom yenachem…" blessing should be recited by the visitors while they are still seated.
The mourners should answer “amen” to the “hamakom” blessing. One should not say the “hamakom…,” nor comfort a mourner in any way, until the deceased is buried and the shiva has formally begun.
It is permitted to shake a mourner's hand when offering condolences.
There is some discussion as to why G-d is referred to as "Hamakom" in the the nichum aveilim formula. Some suggest that "Hamakom," meaning "the place," refers to the "place" in Heaven where the soul of the deceased finds itself. Others suggest that G-d is referred to indirectly as "Hamakom" as if to say "He who is in all places," so as to avoid referring to G-d directly in a context of sadness and mourning. It is also noted that the word “hamakom” has the same gematria as one of the names of G-d.
We invoke Jerusalem when comforting mourners in order to convey that just as the Jewish people will one day be comforted over the destruction of Jerusalem with its rebuilding, so too, the mourners will one day be comforted by the loss of their loved one with the resurrection of the dead in the messianic era. There are other interpretations, as well.
Source
Rambam, Hilchot Avel 13:1,2; Aruch Hashulchan, OC 287:3; Divrei Sofrim, YD 376; Emek Davar 9; Rivevot Ephraim 3:359:3;