Using Father’s and Mother’s name when mentioning the deceased
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Question
In the prayer for the soul of the deceased, his mother's name is mentioned, while on the tombstone, his father's name is written. I wanted to understand the difference.
Answer
Dear Sir/Madam,
There are various customs regarding this matter. However, the common practice in most communities is to mention the mother's name in the prayer for the soul of the deceased, while the father's name is written on the tombstone. Some Sephardic communities also include the mother's name. In Ashkenazi communities, it is usually only the father's name that is mentioned in the prayer for the soul, while in Sephardic communities, some mention the father's name, some the mother's, and some both.
Several explanations have been given for this practice. I will mention one of them: mentioning the mother's name evokes more mercy from above. However, the primary name of a person is based on the father's name. Therefore, when we pray for a sick person, we want to evoke compassion and mention the mother's name. What we write on the tombstone is the person's actual name. Regarding the prayer for the soul, some follow the custom of mentioning only the person's name. However, since there is a halachic requirement to pray for the person on the anniversary of their death (yahrzeit), and we want the soul to gain additional merits, some mention the mother's name to evoke compassion. Further explanations on these matters can be found in the sources.
Source
Shabbat (66b); Zohar (Lech Lecha 84a); Maharshal (Shabbat 66b); Panim Yafot (Bamidbar 12:12); Maqor Chesed (Sefer Chassidim 242); Torah Lishmah (Ch. 399); Da'at Torah (top of ch. 119); Sdei Chemed (40:10).