Visiting the Grave during Hanukkah
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Question
Shalom and blessings. We are in the year of mourning after our father, z"l. During Hanukkah, on Rosh Chodesh Tevet, it will be 12 months since his passing. I have seen in books that it is customary not to visit the grave on Rosh Chodesh and Hanukkah. How should we proceed, should we visit before or after? What about the completion meal on the night of the yahrzeit, is it possible to combine it with a family gathering?
Answer
Shalom Rav,
Regarding visiting during Hanukkah, there is a dispute among the poskim about visiting the grave.
Concerning the completion in the first year, a mourner is prohibited from eating at the completion on the night of the yahrzeit, unless the completion is in his home or he is the one completing. From the second year onwards, one may participate on the night of the yahrzeit and eat at the completion meal of a tractate, even if he is not the one completing.
Source
A. In Kaf HaChaim, Siman 670, S"K 23 and Ben Ish Chai, first year, Parashat Vayeshev - laws of Hanukkah, it is written that one does not visit the grave during Hanukkah. However, in Gesher HaChaim (chapter 29, section 5) it is written that the custom is to visit the grave during Hanukkah to pray. This is also implied from the words of the Mishnah Berurah.
B. The Rema, Siman 391, section 3, writes: "There are those who say it is forbidden to eat at a meal on the night before the day when his father or mother died (in the glosses of customs in the name of the Mahari"v)." Pitchei Teshuva there, S"K 8, writes: "See in Shu"t Makom Shmuel, Siman 80, where it is written that this refers to a wedding meal where there is joy of the bride and groom, but at a circumcision meal, redemption of the firstborn, and completion of a tractate it is permitted." From his words, it implies that he permits even eating. Also, the Aruch HaShulchan, Siman 568, S"K 15, writes explicitly: "And it seems that on the night before the fast it is permitted to eat and go to a completion, for the Mahari"l only forbade (on the day of the yahrzeit) because of the fast."
And even if he is not the one completing, he can eat, as implied from the words of Pri Megadim, Mishbetzot Zahav, Siman 444, S"K 9: "See Yoreh Deah, Siman 246, Taz, S"K 9 and Shach, S"K 27, even if an individual completes, others can rejoice, and it is a mitzvah. And a mourner within 12 months is allowed to eat there, but not on the yahrzeit, see there. And do not bless 'that joy is in His abode', see there. However, on the yahrzeit on the day of the fast, but on the night before the fast it is permitted, see there.