Harboring resentment toward the husband’s friend

Shalom,My husband has a friend who is involved in community work — strengthening youth, securing support for his organization, and similar matters. He often invites my husband to join him, including in matters related to fundraising and the like, even though our shalom bayit is in a very poor state.I have reached out to this friend several times and explained the situation. He promised each time to ask for my permission beforehand. There was a brief period of improvement... Even though the friend himself is dealing with his own shalom bayit issues, he continues to invite my husband out. My husband even canceled a workday to go with him. I’ll note that my husband does not receive any financial compensation for going along.Of course, my husband is an adult and responsible for his choices. He knows how I feel, but he thinks I’m just being jealous and damaging his reputation. I feel frustrated — already struggling in the marriage — and I hold myself back from contacting the friend again because I’m tired of it. I don’t know if it will help, and I’ve reached the point where I’m even thinking of involving his wife.At the same time, I’m pouring my heart out to Hashem, and I’m anxious that my pain shouldn’t cause any spiritual damage. I even feel guilty, wondering if maybe I’m in the wrong — perhaps it really is okay for him to go out with his friend once or twice a week, even if we don’t go out together due to our shalom bayit issues.I feel overwhelmed by the pain and hopeless.My question is regarding the friend: Should I speak with him again, or just keep the pain in my heart? What is the right path, and what should I do?

Shalom UvRacha,

Your husband’s need to go out with his friend is real. His going out with the friend will not change or diminish the peace between you. 

There’s no doubt that you urgently need shalom bayit counseling. But based on your description, it seems that preventing him from going out will not help bring peace, and will likely do the opposite.

Turning to your husband’s friend only turns your private disagreements into a public matter, and certainly does not add to your dignity as a couple.

 In short: do not approach the friend, and do not remain silently resentful. Instead, take action and bring about real change.