What to Do If Divorce Is Inevitable?

I have been married for 5 years. We have a son (1.9). But I am tormented by the question of divorce. My husband spends all his time on computer games, is sometimes aggressive, and is a very passive person. I come from a religious family; my family observes Shabbat and honors the Torah. When I went to my parents 3 years ago and said, "My husband raised his hand against me, he plays games and doesn't spend time with the family, I'm tired and want a divorce, I see no future," they told me, "It's your fault." Now the situation is repeating. My husband is constantly on the computer and doesn't want to do anything to improve life. I am afraid of divorce; my family will not accept me. But I don't like living like this, I am not happy. I've been told all my life that divorce is a sin. What is the right way to act according to God's rules?

Shalom!

Thank you for your question.

It is unfortunate to hear that your marriage is causing you distress. From a Jewish perspective, marriage should bring happiness. Marriage is something to strive for, and every day of a couple's life should be seen as a joyful event. Of course, there are good and bad days in any marriage, but overall, a person should be happy in marriage and enjoy each day.

Despite this, Judaism considers divorce to be completely legitimate if necessary. This solution should be used only as a last resort, but it is absolutely acceptable. We should still work on improving the marriage and strive to resolve the conflicts that may arise between spouses.

However, in some cases, divorce is even encouraged and considered a mitzvah. Physical violence in marriage cannot be tolerated under any circumstances. No one is obligated to try to preserve a marriage where any form of physical violence is practiced. Moreover, judging by your story, your husband has other shortcomings as well.

You have been married for only five years, and you can still be considered newlyweds in some sense. Undoubtedly, the future of your marriage is concerning. It may be better to dissolve this union sooner rather than later, as you say the problematic situation repeats itself. You probably don't want to endure five, ten, or fifteen years before deciding on a divorce.

Do not let anyone criticize your decision. Just ignore it. This is your life, and no one can know what happens behind closed doors. Your parents place all the blame on you, but this is completely unfair. They do not live with you and do not know how your husband treats you? If not, then they have no moral right to say such things, and you should not pay attention to their words.

Ultimately, you have two ways to solve the problem. If you still feel that the marriage can be saved and want to stay married to this person provided he changes, you can seek help from a family therapist. Otherwise, if there is no hope of saving the marriage, or if you do not want to stay with your husband, you have every right to divorce, and that is what you should do.

I repeat that divorce is completely legitimate and acceptable, and no one should be concerned about what exactly led you to this decision. Even religious, righteous Jews sometimes have to divorce.