Help with Judaism!
Question
The problem I have is I am beginning to hate fulfilling Mitzvot and praying and I dread when Shabbat comes around and I have to stay up until midnight praying and in essence I am beginning to hate being a Jew. For some context, I consider myself a Conservative Jew. I keep kosher (as best I can), I attend Temple, I study Torah, I pray heaps, to the point where I am leaving work and other obligations to pray, and it nearly got me into a lot of trouble regarding work. I feel like I have to thank G-D for every minor blessing I have in my life - I pray each time I get out of a car, whenever I hand in a project on time. And whenever I fail to do so I feel as if something terrible might happen to me or my family, and so the threat of eternal damnation in this life and in the World to Come hangs over me like a dark cloud. I am beginning to hate performing Mitzvot and davening, and I am beginning to even feel spite and anger towards G-D. I hate this and only want to be a good Jew, but I feel like I can't truly be a good Jew with this anger and threats over my head, and it is making my life torturous to live in - I hate everything I used to love about Judaism and every step I take I fear Divine punishment. And if you say that my fears will remain unrealised and that G-D is benevolent - how do we know? No offence to the Holy One, but it doesn't exactly feel that way. Sorry about the rant, and thank you.
Answer
Shalom!
Thank you for writing.
It is clear and understandable that your so very well-meaning efforts are causing you frustration.
Your desire to do mitzvot and serve G-d is very commendable and we applaud you for that. But I see veery clearly how you would indeed get “burned out.”
You must reach out and connect with your local orthodox rabbi so he can guide you at what is important and what is not. He can tell you where prayers are called for and where not.
Shabbat is something you should be looking forward to...not dreading! There is no reason to feel down when you fail. There is no reason to stay up praying at midnight. There is no fear of Divine punishment in the way you describe. It is clear you need a spiritual guide.
As mentioned, find a rabbi you can relate to and let him help you see the beauty of Judaism.