Advice With Parents
Question
Hi, This might seem like a strange question, but I decided it wouldn't hurt to ask. I'm still a single girl living at home, and ever since I was young, I’ve known that my parents didn’t really have a marriage—not in a way where someone was abusive, but more like they were emotionally disconnected. It may not seem so bad from the outside, but as a child living in it, it’s been really painful to witness. When parents are emotionally detached from each other, even if they don’t realize it, they sometimes speak negatively about each other to their child—not directly, but in subtle, indirect ways. Because of this, I’ve developed stronger feelings for one parent over the other, and I carry a lot of guilt because of it. I know many parents stay in marriages for the sake of their children, but from a child’s perspective, it feels wrong. If therapy can’t help a relationship, I believe parents should consider divorce. It's extremely painful for a child to witness this emotional distance between their parents, and it’s even more painful when they stay together under such conditions. I guess my parents made the choice to stay married, even though I don’t fully understand it. Can you help me see things from a better perspective? Sincerely, A Confused Child
Answer
Shalom!
Thank you for your question.
First of all, you need not feel guilty if you have stronger feelings or preferences for one parent over another. This is natural. Our sages tell us that children develop different feelings for their mothers and for their fathers.
Regarding your parents’ relationship among themselves, I would argue that it is not your place to counsel divorce. If, for whatever reason, they wish to remain married, it is legitimate for them to remain married even though it appears to you that their marriage is lacking so many other important elements. Divorce is an absolute last resort. If the marriage is hanging on by even one “element” then we did not yet reach "the last resort." And every marriage can be made better with correct guidance.
Hope this helps!