Kibbud Av Va’eim in Modern Society
Question
Hi,
I wanted to ask about something I feel many people my age struggle with.
Today, the relationship between parents and children often feels very friendly and informal.
On the one hand, this closeness feels positive and healthy. On the other hand, I am unsure how this fits with the halachic obligations of kibbud av va’em?
Answer
Thank you for your question.
Kibbud av va’em is a very important mitzvah, especially in our times, and your question touches on a common misunderstanding. Today, many people feel very close to their parents and relate to them almost like friends or equals. Because of this, some assume that the halachot of kibbud av va’em, as brought in Shulchan Aruch Yoreh Deah, applied only to earlier generations and are no longer fully relevant. This assumption is incorrect. Halacha does not change, and the obligation to honor one’s parents applies in every generation, regardless of how the parent-child relationship may feel emotionally. I commend you for wanting to clarify this and to understand how to fulfill this mitzvah properly and according to halacha.
I will Be’ezrat Hashem give you some practical guidelines regarding this very important Mitsvah.
The mitzvah to respect one’s parent is brought in the Aseret HaDibrot:
כַּבֵּד אֶת אָבִיךָ וְאֶת אִמֶּךָ לְמַעַן יַאֲרִיכֻן יָמֶיךָ – שמות כ׳:י״ב
Honor your father and your mother, so that you will live a long life
Additionally, in Parashat Kedoshim, the Torah commands the awe one must have for one’s parents:
אִישׁ אִמּוֹ וְאָבִיו תִּירָאוּ – ויקרא י״ט:ג׳
The great reward for this mitzvah is also mentioned in Mishnah Peah (Perek 1, Mishnah 1):
אֵלּוּ דְבָרִים שֶׁאָדָם אוֹכֵל פֵּרוֹתֵיהֶם בָּעוֹלָם הַזֶּה וְהַקֶּרֶן קַיֶּמֶת לוֹ לָעוֹלָם הַבָּא כִּבּוּד אָב וָאֵם…
You asked how this mitzvah is fulfilled on a practical level.
Our Sages teach that honoring one’s parents applies not only in action, but also in speech and even in thought.
Honoring through action:
A child is obligated to provide his parents with food and drink, clothe them, assist them in walking, care for their needs, or to ensure that someone reliable is taking care of them. One must also make sure that they have proper and respectable clothing suitable for them.
Honoring through thought:
One may not think degrading thoughts about one’s parents, even if outwardly one treats them with respect. A person must view his parents in his heart as honorable and distinguished individuals, even if society at large does not recognize them as such. This, as the Chayei Adam writes, is the essence of kibbud av va’em.
The Chayei Adam writes:
חיי אדם חלק א כלל סז
הכיבוד הוא במחשבה ובמעשה ובדיבור. במחשבה כדכתיב [תהילים טו, ד] "נבזה בעיניו נמאס, ואת יראי ה' יכבד", והיינו יכבד במחשבה, דאין לומר שבלבו ובעיניו הם נבזים רק שמכבד אותם בדברים, אם כן הן שוין בעיניו כמוהו שהרי גם הוא נבזה בעיניו, אלא על כרחך דרצה לומר שמכבדם בלבו שהם חשובים בעיניו ובלבו, דהיינו שידמה בעיניו שהם גדולים ונכבדי ארץ, אף שבעיני שאר בני אדם אינם חשובים כלל. וזה עיקר כיבוד, שאם לא כן, הרי כתיב [ישעיה כט, יג] "בפיו ובשפתיו כבדוני ולבו ריחק ממני" כמו שכתבתי:
Honoring one’s parents must be through thought, action, and speech. In thought, one must honor them in his heart, viewing them as important and distinguished people, even if in the eyes of others they are not considered important. This is the essence of honor. Otherwise, it would be like what is written, “With their mouth and lips they honor Me, but their heart is far from Me” (Yeshayahu 29:13).
The mitzvah of kibbud av va’em is not limited to providing basic physical needs. It also includes attending to matters that are not strictly tzarchei haguf, such as shopping for them, cleaning their home, cooking for them, and bringing them their medication when needed.
Even though today it is often possible to arrange for others to assist one’s parents, and ensuring that they receive proper care is itself part of the mitzvah (as we explained above), nevertheless one should try to involve oneself personally in the mitzvah. As it says, mitzvah bo yoter mibeshlucho. This applies to all mitzvot, such as preparing for Shabbos, where one should personally be involved in doing the Mitsvah.
We also find a story in the Talmud that highlights the importance of fulfilling the mitzvah of kibbud av va’em physically, and not relying on others to do it in one’s place. This is the story:
תלמוד בבלי מסכת קידושין דף לא עמוד ב
חמשה בני סמכי הוה ליה לאבימי בחיי אביו, וכי הוה אתא רבי אבהו קרי אבבא, רהיט ואזיל ופתח ליה, ואמר אין אין עד דמטאי התם.
Avimi had five sons who were Se’muchim during his father’s lifetime. Nevertheless, when Rabbi Abbahu (his father) would come and knock at the door, Avimi himself would hurry to open it, calling out, “Yes, yes,” until he reached the door.
Wishing you much success.
Source
- Shemot 20:12
- Vayikra 19:3
- Mishnah Pe’ah – Perek 1, Mishnah 1
- Talmud Bavli – Kiddushin 31b
- Chayei Adam – Chelek 1, Klal 67
