Grudges and Revenge in the Torah

What’s the difference between a “grudge” and “revenge”?

Shalom!

Thank you for your question.

Let’s suppose that Reuven asks Shimon if he can borrow a hammer, but Shimon says no. The next day, Shimon asks Reuven if he can borrow an axe. If Reuven says to Shimon, “You didn’t lend me your hammer yesterday, so I’m not going to lend you my axe,” he has violated the prohibition against taking revenge.  If Reuven agrees to lend Shimon the axe, but makes a comment such as “I will lend you my axe because I am not like you,” he has violated the prohibition against bearing a grudge. Even lending the axe without commenting, but doing so in a clearly unenthusiastic manner, is also considered to be a violation of bearing a grudge.

Although the Torah strictly forbids taking revenge and bearing a grudge, these are not transgressions that are punishable in a beit din . This is because neither of these prohibitions involves performing an action; they are essentially “sins of the heart,” for which beit din cannot punish. There are certain instances which a Torah scholar who was publicly insulted is permitted to bear a grudge and even take revenge if the offending party refuses to apologize.

It sometimes happens that a person does not attend another person’s simcha because the latter did not attend a simcha that the former had made. Unfortunately, this attitude and conduct may be a violation of both “bearing a grudge” and “taking revenge.” One who does so, is considered as going in the ways of Kamtsah Ubar kamtsah that caused the Churban of the Beis Hamikdosh, and behaving in this manner causes the Beis Hamikodh not to be rebuilt. (Of course, when one is legitimately unable to attend a simcha (or other event), one need not be concerned with what others might think.)

Sources: Yoma 23a; Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 30:7,9;   Mesillat Yesharim 11; Rambam, Hilchot De’ot 7:7; Chinuch 241;  Rambam, Hilchot Talmud Torah 7:13.