A Personal Journey Toward Judaism - Looking for Direction
Question
Dear rabbi,
I apologise if my question seem very long and detailed. I'm 21 year old student in paris born in nonAbrahamic religious family. I have stood in front of idols and sometimes even lit candles but i was atheist. I didn't believe in it, i knew there was a higher power but i was sure it wasn't the one my family was worshipping. When i was around 11 we learned about Holocaust for the 1st time in school and i was never a sensitive child but i couldn't stop thinking about it, I cried secretly as if my own people were massacred. It was very unusual reaction from me cause there were many deadly things that happened in my own country's history but i never had such a reaction. As if i couldn't remember why i was crying so much, it felt like forgetting a painful memory and then remembering it again and not being able to stop myself. After that i wanted to know more about Judaism, but in reality about myself and why i felt so connected to Jewish people, if i hear any news about attack or war in Israel my heart would skip a beat. Sometimes I felt so anxious and worried about Israel as if my loved ones are there in danger and I still feel it. But as a child I couldn't understand why i was feeling that way.
I left my country at 18 and come to Europe, i finally found the freedom i needed. I stopped all unwanted idol worshipping, and started learning online about Judaism and Jewish prayers. It wasn't hard for me to follow dietary laws as i was raised in fully vegetarian family. Now 3 years later i pray , i keep sabbat, light candles and celebrate Jewish holidays. I celebrate Jewish new years and fast on yom kippur, and this feels like finally coming back home.
But sometimes I feel so guilty, I'm still a non jew, just following Jewish law doesn't make me Jewish. I am very tempted to wear star of david necklace but i try to control myself. By nature I'm very shy, i knew about this plateform from long time, i typed messages and then wasn't brave enough to send it. I know Judaism is not just religion but a life style, and to learn more about it, to follow the calling of my soul even in hostile environment, i waited and after getting independent i learned more, i want to help my people in all the ways i can, i write blogs so people can understand the truth about Israel and don't fall for antisemitic lies. But still i can't move away from the guilt i have, no matter what I do, i'm still not Jewish. I want to convert, i have waited for a long time, but i don't know where to go and whom to ask. And again I'm shy and my French isn't very strong that i can go speak to local rabbi.
Am i doing anything wrong ? How can I convert ? I did idol worshipping with my family but never from the heart, can i still convert ? I feel like a sinner, can i still be forgiven ? Fasting on yom kippur and other days without being Jewish, daily private prayers without being Jewish, is it wrong ? If i have done things wrong please guide me rabbi, how can I make it right ?
Thank you so much for taking your time.
I apologise if my question seem very long and detailed. I'm 21 year old student in paris born in nonAbrahamic religious family. I have stood in front of idols and sometimes even lit candles but i was atheist. I didn't believe in it, i knew there was a higher power but i was sure it wasn't the one my family was worshipping. When i was around 11 we learned about Holocaust for the 1st time in school and i was never a sensitive child but i couldn't stop thinking about it, I cried secretly as if my own people were massacred. It was very unusual reaction from me cause there were many deadly things that happened in my own country's history but i never had such a reaction. As if i couldn't remember why i was crying so much, it felt like forgetting a painful memory and then remembering it again and not being able to stop myself. After that i wanted to know more about Judaism, but in reality about myself and why i felt so connected to Jewish people, if i hear any news about attack or war in Israel my heart would skip a beat. Sometimes I felt so anxious and worried about Israel as if my loved ones are there in danger and I still feel it. But as a child I couldn't understand why i was feeling that way.
I left my country at 18 and come to Europe, i finally found the freedom i needed. I stopped all unwanted idol worshipping, and started learning online about Judaism and Jewish prayers. It wasn't hard for me to follow dietary laws as i was raised in fully vegetarian family. Now 3 years later i pray , i keep sabbat, light candles and celebrate Jewish holidays. I celebrate Jewish new years and fast on yom kippur, and this feels like finally coming back home.
But sometimes I feel so guilty, I'm still a non jew, just following Jewish law doesn't make me Jewish. I am very tempted to wear star of david necklace but i try to control myself. By nature I'm very shy, i knew about this plateform from long time, i typed messages and then wasn't brave enough to send it. I know Judaism is not just religion but a life style, and to learn more about it, to follow the calling of my soul even in hostile environment, i waited and after getting independent i learned more, i want to help my people in all the ways i can, i write blogs so people can understand the truth about Israel and don't fall for antisemitic lies. But still i can't move away from the guilt i have, no matter what I do, i'm still not Jewish. I want to convert, i have waited for a long time, but i don't know where to go and whom to ask. And again I'm shy and my French isn't very strong that i can go speak to local rabbi.
Am i doing anything wrong ? How can I convert ? I did idol worshipping with my family but never from the heart, can i still convert ? I feel like a sinner, can i still be forgiven ? Fasting on yom kippur and other days without being Jewish, daily private prayers without being Jewish, is it wrong ? If i have done things wrong please guide me rabbi, how can I make it right ?
Thank you so much for taking your time.
Answer
Thank you for your question.
You made the right choice to leave idol worship, and you can pray to the one and only G-d in your own words. However, it does seem that you need some guidance about a person’s duty and calling in this world, and what G-d wants from him.
I advise that you study the Seven Noahide Laws. You can find information at the Netiv Center for Torah Learning.
With regard to keeping Shabbat, Yom Kippur, or the festivals, I would advise you to reach out to an Orthodox rabbi who can guide you, since it is important to do it according to Jewish law.
Lastly, I would like to commend you for spreading good about the Jewish people. That is a very praiseworthy thing; it is called a Kiddush Hashem - sanctifying G-d’s Name by publicly praising His chosen nation.
Wishing you well.
Comments
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