Guidelines for a Chattan during his engagement period, and haircut during Sefirat Haomer

Hi, I just got engaged, and I would like to shave for my engagement since it is still sefirat haomer, would it be permitted? Also, since I am now a Chattan is my kallah like a friend, or are there any restrictions I should be aware of? I would appreciate some guidance…

Thank you for your question.

MAZAL TOV!!!!!! Both questions you asked are very important. First, I will answer the halachos of having an engagement during the Sefirat Haomer, and then share with you the guidelines for a chattan during his engagement.

A Ba’al simcha during sefirat haomer:

Since the days of Sefirat HaOmer are days of mourning, one may not shave or have a haircut during the Sefirat HaOmer. Even though there are exceptions for a ba’al simcha as follows; a Bar Mitzvah boy may have a haircut on the afternoon before his Bar Mitzvah in honor of the Bar Mitzvah (however, his father should not do so le’chatchilah). For a celebration of a Bris, the father of the child, the Sandak, and the Mohel are allowed to cut their hair from the day before the Bris, close to the evening (from Mincha Ketanah). However, it is important to note that those who follow the custom of the Arizal and do not cut their hair during the entire Sefirat Haomer should not do so even for a simcha like a Bris.

With regard to an engagement, Hagaon Harav Amrom Fried Shalita says that the chattan may not have a haircut.

I would just like to add that this year (2025 -תשפה ), Lag BaOmer falls on Thursday night and Friday, so according to all customs (even Sephardi), one may cut one’s hair on Friday morning.

Guidelines for a Chosson and Kallah During Their Engagement

It is important for a Chattan to realize that, halachically, during the period of their engagement, his Kallah remains like any other unrelated woman. The laws of modesty and separation, such as the prohibitions of yichud , physical contact, and affectionate behavior, still apply.

The reason that the halacha permits the Chattan and Kallah to meet and spend time together during the engagement is so that they should get to know each other well, and not feel like strangers at the time of the wedding.

So let me share with you the guidelines as taught by Harav Amrom Fried Shelita:

Looking at the Kallah

It is not prohibited to look at one’s Kallah as long as it does not bring pleasure to the Chattan. If it would, then one should be careful not to do so.

Passing Objects

It is permissible to pass objects from one to the other, directly.

Serving Each Other

It is permitted for the Chattan and Kallah to serve each other food or to pour drinks for each other.

Giving Gifts

The Chattan is allowed to give presents to his Kallah or mishloach manot. However, if the Chattan wants to gift his future sisters-in-law, then he should say it is from his mother or family.

Smelling Perfume

It is be forbidden for the Chattan to smell his Kallah’s perfume if it brings him pleasure.

Greeting Each Other

One should not say to his Kallah "How are you?" (מה שלומך) but rather may say things like "Hello" (שלום), "Good morning," or "What’s news?" (מה נשמע).

Speaking Words of Love

One may not speak or write words of love to his Kallah. Similarly, one may not compliment the Kallah on how she looks or on her clothing.

Yichud

One should be careful with the laws of yichud just as with any other woman.

Sleeping in the Same House

The Chattan may not sleep in the same house as his Kallah.

Frequency of Meetings

The Chattan and kallah should meet once every two weeks.

Phone Calls

They may call once a week for a duration of an hour, and on Erev Shabbos to wish each other a good Shabbos.

Wishing you much success.