Honoring Difficult Parents

Hello my father is an 67 year old semi religious man . He is abusive and a narcissist. I have been extremely respectful towards him but he keeps on cursing me / kicking me out of his home for nonsense . I feel guilty not being able to pursue the mitsva of honor your parents because of his condition. What do I do .

Shalom!

Thank you for your question.

The mitzva of “kibbud av va’em” -honouring one’s parents- is an extremely important mitzva, 

Allow me to share a Talmudic passage with you about honouring parents when it is not easy to do so:

Rav Asi had an elderly mother. She said to him: “I want jewellery.” So, he made jewellery for her. She said to him: “I want a man whom I can marry.” So, he said to her: “I will seek one for you.” She said to him: “I want a husband who is as handsome as you.” At this point, Rav Asi realized that his mother was senile, and that he would be unable to fulfill all her requests. Therefore, he left her and went to the Land of Israel . . .

From this passage, Maimonides rules that if it becomes too difficult to honour or care for one’s parents a child may move away from the parents. The child, however, must first make sure that there are alternatives in place that will ensure the parents’ well-being.

As such, it would depend if your father needs you, then you are obligated to take care of him and it is a very great Mitsvah and you will be greatly rewarded, especially since it is so difficult for you. Try not to get intimidated by your fathers shouting and cursing knowing that you are doing the right thing.

If, however, your father does not need you to assist him, then you do not need to go to him.

Kiddushin 31b; Rambam, Hilchot Mamrim 6:8-10; Sefer Chssidim 343