Am I too far gone to find God?

Dear Rabbi, I am in the process of converting from my previous religion, and I'm seeking answers to the questions of our origins, and what happens to us after we die. However I have not walked an entirely moral life, I still have inconsistencies with my habits and I also have denounced that there is a God on multiple occasions. This makes me anxious that even if I learn about God through Judaism, it won't make a difference because I have sins that I can't atone for anymore regarding how I spoke about God internally. I have never outwardly spoken negatively about God, but I know my thoughts about God have been blasphemous, and I've even denied the existence of God internally. So my question is, is there still a point in learning about God, since I might be too far gone at this point. Thanks for taking the time to read my question.

Shalom!

Thank you for your question.

Belief in the afterlife is fundamental to Judaism. In English it is referred to as “heaven” while Jews refer to it as “olam haba” – the next world.

When a person dies, the body is buried, returning to the ground from where it came, and the soul, too, returns to where it came from: the spiritual world. The body is temporary, but the soul is forever.

All the good deeds that a person does in his lifetime gives spiritual “energy” to the soul. The more spiritual energy the soul has when the body dies, the more the soul will enjoy its place in olam haba. This is why it is so important to perform as many mitzvot/good deeds as one can in one's lifetime. The rewards are saved up and revealed in olam haba.

We believe that in olam haba the soul enjoys the pleasure of being in God’s presence. Not exactly "seeing God" but just a wonderful feeling of being in His presence. It is a world that is totally spiritual where we are able to enjoy spiritual pleasure without the limitations of a body. For example, there is no hunger, no thirst, just spiritual pleasure from being in the presence of God and his heavenly hosts.

After the Messiah comes, there will be a resurrection of the dead, another fundamental principle of Judaism. At the resurrection, the soul will return to its earthly body and the entire world will be a more spiritual place.

There is much more to say, but I trust that this small glimpse into the Jewish view of Heaven suffices for now.

Regarding past sins: Judaism teaches that nobody is born with sin. We all have free choice on whether to commit mitzvot (good deeds) of sins (bad deeds). We believe that all mankind who has sinned can be cleansed of their sin with prayer and repentance.

We see this, in fact, in the very first chapters of the Torah, where it says that G-d said to Cain: "Why are you upset, and why has your countenance fallen? If you do good [i.e. repent and change your ways], it will be goo for you [that is, you will be forgiven]. But if you don’t do good, sin rests at the door..but you can overcome it!" (Genesis 4:6-7).

A person need not be upset about past sins. Anyone who confesses and regrets their sins and commits not to do such things again will be forgiven for all the wrong they have done. Our G-d is a loving and merciful G-d who wants a relationship with all of us.

So, whether you are converting to Judaism, or you wish to become a Noahide – a non-Jew who follows a basic moral code and is assured a place in heaven, 

Best of luck!