Should one forgive someone who hurt you and did not ask for forgiveness?
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Question
Hello, I had a close and meaningful relationship for several years with a friend who was a very important and beloved figure to me. For various reasons, she began to distance herself from me. Although outwardly she behaves with basic politeness, in reality, she hurts me deeply with her cold and disdainful behavior, ignoring the close friendship that was between us. What hurts me the most is that she knows she hurt me very deeply, she is aware of the pain she caused me, yet she does not try to fix it, does not apologize, and does not ask for forgiveness. Additionally, out of pain and emotional need, I shared with two people what I went through, to release the pain and feelings that were weighing on me. Today, I do not wish to renew the relationship with her, but I am asking from a halachic perspective: 1) Am I required to forgive her from a place where she does not ask for forgiveness and does not try to correct her actions, even though my pain is clear to her? 2) She ignores and does not want to talk about this whole subject, do I need to ask her for forgiveness for speaking l'shon hara about her?
Answer
Hello and happy Hanukkah
I read with sadness about what you are going through.
According to Halacha:
A. There is no obligation to forgive someone who has not asked for forgiveness. However, it is a mitzvah and a merit for one who forgives.
B. It is permissible for a person to speak negatively about their fellow when their intention is not to speak ill, but rather to relieve the burden from their heart. Therefore, if the conversations took place in such a context, there is no obligation to ask for forgiveness.
This is the answer to your question, and now an answer to what was not asked.
It is a mitzvah to judge every Jew favorably. When the blame is not clear, we are obligated to find merits in the action.
This obligation is not dependent on the offender's request for forgiveness.
For example: sometimes a relationship that is too close for too long, if not conducted wisely, can lead to a feeling of "suffocation".
Sometimes such a friendship can reach an unhealthy state of "dependency".
Perhaps this is how your friend felt, or maybe she feared that the friendship might lead to that.