To what extent is honoring parents required?
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Question
Hello Rabbi, my mother is separated and she is 70 years old. In recent years, she has undergone 2 orthopedic surgeries and her health has deteriorated. She is immobile and needs help with everything. In the last year and a half, she has had a severe infection in her legs and refuses to treat it (even when she needed surgeries, she created many difficulties before agreeing to undergo surgery). We are 6 children, and only 2 daughters are in contact with her and try to help, but she makes it very difficult and does not want to address her medical issues, to the point that when we brought medical professionals home, she dismissed them. Furthermore, if she does not cooperate with medical professionals, it is impossible to receive help from national insurance. It is very difficult for us emotionally and physically to see her in this state. Additionally, she is very bitter and angry with everyone. My question is, to what extent is honoring parents required? It really affects my home, my mental sanity, and my interactions with my children (4 small ones, may they live). My husband is also very unhappy with the impact this has on me. What should I do?
Answer
Hello,
It is very difficult to answer such a question.
This is a very serious mitzvah, on one hand, the reward for fulfilling it properly is immeasurable, and on the other hand, the punishment for neglecting it is severe. Therefore, it is advisable to consult with a rabbi personally about what can and cannot be done.
We will try to provide some guidelines to ease the decision:
A. Children are obligated to strive in honoring their parents, even when it requires a lot of time and effort.
B. A woman's obligation towards her husband's and home's needs precedes her obligations towards her parents. Therefore, when your husband needs you at home or your children need you, you should prioritize their needs. However, of course, this is not a blanket exemption, and if it is possible to strive and manage both, certainly that should be done.
C. There is no obligation to honor parents if it harms the physical or mental health of the children. However, of course, children are obligated to assess what level of assistance will not harm them, and in this, they are obligated.
Source
Shulchan Aruch, Yoreh De'ah, Siman 240