Honoring Parents vs. Total Disruption of the Entire Family
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Question
Hello, We are 7 married children to a sick mother who in recent months has become dependent on constant care, and the whole family takes shifts day and night to be with her. Her husband, aged 75, is emotionally and physically exhausted from caring for her, so even sons-in-law and young granddaughters come to be with her. Her mental state is unstable, and she demands things that are hard to bear, such as bathing, helping with the toilet, applying ointments in hidden places, etc. She cannot see anyone sitting idly by her, so she gives orders: cook, bake (the fridge is already full of food), buy, clean, wash, etc. Everyone wants to honor her and does everything for her, but in reality, the family is falling apart. Domestic peace is destroyed! Children (grandchildren) are affected because there is tension at home, and all attention is on grandma. The parents are sad and frustrated with the situation; there are arguments among the married children, people are losing work (everyone is in a very bad economic situation). Everyone returns emotionally and physically exhausted from her. By the way, caregivers and Filipinos are also not an option because they come and run away after a few hours... The question is whether we are doing the right thing by continuing to tear ourselves apart and come, or are we and our families more important, and should we send her to a nursing home despite her unwillingness?
Answer
Hello,
The sages have said, 'Honoring parents at the expense of the parents,' meaning the son should invest all his strength and time to honor his parents, but on the other hand, he is not required to pay from his own pocket for this honor.
The decisors have compared the loss of something a person has, like his family, etc., to the loss of money. Therefore, even in the case of loss of domestic peace, loss of mental health, the son is not obligated to honor the parents.
However, it is important to note two things.
A. It is very common for the son to decide for himself that it is a loss, while it may be a possible and reasonable investment. Therefore, it is mandatory to personally ask a rabbi who knows you.
B. There is no permission to disgrace the parents in any case. Therefore, even if there is permission to send to a nursing home, it must be done in the most honorable way possible.
Source
Shulchan Aruch Yoreh De'ah, Siman 240