Difficulties in Marriage — Counseling

 Married life
 Hello, honorable Rabbi. My name is... I am married and, with God’s help, in a month I will give birth to a fifth son. I am married to... Because I have had so many problems with him and have been hurt so many times, I really want to break apart this life. I will tell you briefly. He is a person who went through boarding institutions in life and did not grow up at home; his father was a criminal. In the course of life, when he reached the age of 27, we met — I saw an angel. Today he is 37. For 7 years I have been living in fear. He has no patience; he has many fits of rage. He always puts me down, saying that my way of educating the children is not good. Since we got married, he has never helped me with the babies, with the children, or with the household chores. He always claimed that he works hard outside and that when he comes home, the house must be clean all the time and there must be food — and that is what actually happens. Beyond that, he claims that he loves me very much and has never loved like this, but when it comes to fits of rage toward me and toward my children — whether it is kicking a toy toward my oldest son, who suffers from hyperactivity, or calling our daughter “trash,” or using an obscene insult toward a child, or belittling me in front of the children — I do everything above and beyond. I am under pressure that if he comes home and it is not clean, he will start kicking things. He has patterns of behavior that I thought had changed over the years we have been together, but it did not succeed. And every conversation with him always turns into “I am to blame.” I am truly crying out to him for help, asking him only to listen to what I have to say; these are not accusations — I am allowed to speak with my husband. Then he creates a big fight in order to go out and drink with friends. I had no postpartum recovery period because of his mother, who became ill; we moved to live in a “matchbox” with all the children, and I slept on a mattress for 3 years. I always did what he wanted, always tried to please him, and everything turned back on me. Now I understand that I am living in a toxic, cruel, and hurtful relationship. I do not feel compassion toward him. I am terribly sad that many years have passed and he nevertheless chose to continue in his way and to keep saying, “I don’t know, I don’t know.” And I say to him, “Come, I will teach you,” but he is not interested. I truly do everything alone, like a divorced woman. He comes home, gets into bed, scrolls on his phone. I have no desire for intimate relations with him. And after everything he says to me, “What did I do to you?” I have been left with, and will be left with, many scars from him, from behaviors that went away and came back: whether it was cursing me when he was drunk and calling me a prostitute and saying I am nothing, or exploding at me in front of his friend and calling me stupid because I made a mistake with the pool pump. I do not understand why I deserve this. A year ago we agreed that we would move from Jerusalem to Tiberias with the intention that it would be different, but that is not true — it has become worse because we are not near family. And suddenly, when my mother and father come to visit us on weekends, they saw all his behaviors. My mother really cried... because he always said that dirty laundry is washed at home, but my soul can no longer contain this. He is really like a guest, like a tourist... It is no longer pleasant for me... I asked him to speak with a rabbi; he keeps saying to me, “Fine, fine, fine,” and brushes me off. Or if I ask for something, he does not do it, and if he does, he curses and gets angry. But if his friend calls him, he will run, even when he said he has no strength. I gave my body at a young age, bore him a large family as he likes, expected change so that I could continue to love him, but a black curtain has fallen for me. I am really not interested; I truly want my freedom back, my children happy and not afraid of their father. This is really worsening their behavior: they also throw objects at me and behave like him. It makes me feel very bad... And afterward he screams at them, asking why they behave like this, that they have no education. But you, sir, are their mirror: what you do, they do exactly like you, exactly. So how can you scream at them? I no longer understand...

Hello and blessings. 

It is truly sad to read everything you are going through. 

It is impossible to advise without meeting you both and hearing the matters properly. 

You must turn to a rabbi or counselor who will also be acceptable to your husband, and receive marital counseling. 

Even if he is not willing to go to counseling, tell him that you are not prepared to continue living with him like this. This is a red line. 

And since he wants the marriage with you, he will have to come. 

Let him choose whom to go to, but the main thing is that he go for counseling and guidance.